At one time I may have imagined that love at
first sight was a preposterous idea, a result of the wishful thinking of
hopeless romantics. But now that it has
happened to me, I no longer doubt its possibility. She made a believer out of me.
From the moment I first met that girl, our
spirits connected. It was almost like
magic, the way she reached down deeply into my heart, tapping into emotions I
didn’t realize I was capable of. A
powerful sadness for her lost childhood and stolen innocence. A fierce desire to protect her. A pervasive sense that we belong
together. She gave me the courage to say yes to something I had never thought possible: giving my heart to a
teenage foster child. She taught me how
to dream.
DENIAL
And now this terrible, shocking decision that
will keep us apart. A decision I cannot
understand. I cannot believe it. I refuse
to believe it! How is it possible that I
may never see her again? I hear the
words, but they might as well be a foreign language, so incomprehensible they
seem to me. I simply cannot grasp the
thought that the one I love is no longer a part of my life.
BARGAINING
Surely there is has been a big mistake. An innocent misunderstanding. Maybe my husband and I didn’t explain clearly
enough how much she means to us. How
perfectly she fits into our family. How
committed we are to loving her for the long-term.
Maybe there is someone else we can talk
to. A supervisor, maybe, or a
lawyer. Or maybe we can attend the next
court hearing and speak directly to the judge.
Surely there is something we haven’t yet thought of. A stone we haven’t yet overturned.
God,
I don’t know what to do! Please, please
give me wisdom and direction and insight into this complicated situation.
OK,
fine. I admit that there is nothing else
I can do. I have cried and pleaded and
prayed, and I have arrived at a dead end.
The only thing left to do is to entrust her into your hands. Please work out the details. Orchestrate the process as only You can to
bring her back to us. You will receive
all the glory and honor for accomplishing the impossible. I look forward to seeing how You will write
the next chapter of this story.
I
promise I will never ask for anything else, ever again. Anything You want me to do, I am willing to
do it. I love her so much, and I know
that You love her even more than I do.
Please, please, for heaven’s sake, don’t take her away from me!
ANGER
People always ask me, as if the answer isn’t
obvious, “Isn’t it hard when your foster children leave?” I smile sweetly, but inside I want to shout,
“Hard?! Of course it’s hard! Like
ice-water to the soul, it is shockingly, unbelievably, unbearably painful. When you love
a child as if she were your own, then losing
her is as excruciating as if she were your own.”
This is so unfair! I have only just recently begun to love
her. I thought I had more time with
her. Time to know her more and build
memories together. I cannot lose her!
Every year tens of thousands of teenage foster
youth like her age out of foster care without a family. They are at risk of experiencing
homelessness, unemployment, teenage pregnancy, crime, and substance abuse.1 I don’t want her to become a statistic. I want her to become my daughter!
God,
what in the world are You doing? Surely You
aren’t that cruel, that You would open the doors to bring her into our family,
only to slam them shut again. How can
this be for her good? Why would You
allow her to be stuck in loneliness and confusion and despair, when she could belong
in a family? A family who adores her and, since the day we met her, has never,
not for one second, stopped praying for her?
DEPRESSION
Every day I am surrounded with reminders of
her. I reach for her favorite cereal at
the market, only to remember that she will not be at my breakfast table
tomorrow morning to eat it. I turn on
the television, and there on my Netflix account is the last show we watched
together, sitting side by side on the couch sharing a bowl of popcorn. When our family goes to the State Fair
together, we have an extra ticket that I had purchased weeks ago when I thought
she would be going with us. And with
every reminder, my heart is heavy with the loss of her.
Is she thinking of me as well? Is she heart-broken and dazed at these turn
of events, wondering where I am?
Thinking of our family and the siblings she almost had. The father she has always dreamed of? Is she praying her heart out to
a God she doubts even hears her?
When love flows strong and the recipient is no
longer present, how can it not overflow into tears? I say with David, “all night long I flood my
bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears.” (Psalm 6:6)
God,
I want so much for her to have an opportunity to know You and to love You with
all of her heart. I want to be the one
to walk alongside her as she heals from her past, helping her understand what it
means to forgive and trust and find peace.
I want to be the one to watch her grow and bloom and become the young
lady You have created her to be. Hers
has been a dark, terrifying story. Hasn’t
she experienced enough pain and sadness and storylines that don’t make sense? Why do You allow happiness to keep eluding
her? Will she ever know the comfort and
security and support of a family? Will she
ever know joy?
ACCEPTANCE
How can I accept that this is the end? That the story God was so beautifully writing
has come to an abrupt conclusion? Did He
forget the “happily ever after” part?
How can I accept that I will never see her
again? Isn’t acceptance like giving
up? Like admitting that there is no
reason to hope? Like admitting that God
is incapable of accomplishing the impossible?
That He doesn’t really mean it when He promises to place the lonely in
families (Psalm 68:6)? I had promised
that I would fight for her; if I accept the decision that has been made, aren’t
I accepting defeat?
Maybe not.
Maybe Acceptance doesn’t mean agreeing with the decision, or
understanding an incomprehensible situation, or giving up hope that miracles
can still happen. Maybe Acceptance means
acknowledging that God is still good, even when I struggle to believe it. Even when He is silent and invisible, and even
when the path is impassable and shrouded in confusion, He knows. He knows how the story will unfold, and He
knows that not one of His promises will fail.
Maybe Acceptance means reminding myself that God
has a plan for this girl, a grand and perfect plan that He is working to
accomplish.2 That she is
never, not for one second, outside of His loving, capable hands.
When I told her that I would fight for her, I
didn’t completely understand the implications of that promise. I didn’t realize that it would be an unseen
battle of faith. That the weapons I
would need would not be competence and connections, the gift of persuasion and
the ability to influence “the system.” I
would need, instead, the weapons of steadfast patience, confident assurance, and
humble obedience.
I didn’t realize that fighting for her would
mean, not standing in a courtroom, but kneeling on the floor. It would mean standing still and trusting
that it would be God Himself, not me, who would be the One to fight for her.3
My heart still cannot believe that she is gone,
and that I may never see her again. I
still find myself wondering what I could have done differently, or even now,
wondering if there are any alternatives.
I am still tempted to get angry at a silent God, at an impersonal “system”,
at the unfair circumstances, at the unyielding people who have taken her away
from me. And the tears still flow. Every day they flow at the most unexpected
moments when I think of losing this one who is so dear to me.
And yet . . . He is the One who is with me as I
process my grief.4 He is the
One who is able to give peace and strength to my wounded heart. He is the One who can restore my joy. He is the One who can sustain me.5
He is the One who is good and faithful, and who
is, even now, fighting for her. The One
whose plans will never be thwarted.6
The One who knows, who has
already written, the end of the story.
And that, at least for today, I can accept.
2.
‘I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the
Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a
future.’ - Jeremiah 29:11
3.
The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be
still. – Exodus 14:14
4.
The Lord is close to
the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. – Psalm 34:18
5.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. – Psalm 51:12
6.
I know that You can
do all things; no plan of Yours can be thwarted. – Job 42:2
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