What They Hear

Our son was about 2 years old at the time.  He was just finishing up with his bedtime snack, when a “grown up” movie started on the television.  Wanting to protect his young eyes and ears, I said, Hey Buddy, let’s go in the other room.  This is a Papa movie, and it might be a little bit scary.  His eyes got big as he looked up at me and asked, Do you mean it has spiders in it?

Spiders?!  That was the scariest thing he could imagine!  I loved the innocence of it!  And really, isn’t that what parents want to do – to preserve their children’s sweet innocence as long as they can?  To protect them from the harsh realities of life?  The world can be full of danger and disappointments and brokenness, but do they really need to know about all of that just yet?

When we welcome foster kids into our home, we are doing the exact opposite of protecting our own children’s innocence.  We are exposing them, from a very young age, and most likely before they are mature enough to process it all, to the grim facts.  To the darkest, most awful, most shocking ways that people live.  We are showing them, firsthand, how people hurt one another.  How poor choices can lead to such devastating consequences.  How families can fracture and leave broken children in their wake.

Before our children are old enough to understand the meanings, they hear ugly words like domestic violence and restraining order.  They hear about addictions and mental illness.  How can a child who has only known a loving, stable, safe home possibly understand what child abuse means?  Really?  Parents hurt their children?  On purpose?!

One time, when we brought a tiny day-old infant home from the hospital, our young daughters were thrilled!  They took turns feeding her and rocking her and bundling her up in one of the softest pink blankets ever made. 

Their whole world was turned upside down, however, when they found out that this precious baby’s birthmother was just a teenager.  What?!  She’s not married?  How can she have a baby?  Where is the daddy?  It was not a conversation that I was prepared to have with them at such a young age, but here we were, facing it head-on with a real-life baby and a real-life young lady they had personally met and interacted with.  And during that bumbling conversation that day, part of their innocence was forever taken away.

When we welcome foster kids into our home, our children hear about grown-up problems that kids shouldn’t have to know about.  They hear about dysfunctional family relationships that make no sense.  They hear about complicated situations that are difficult to explain to young ears.  They will most certainly hear about where babies come from!

And sometimes, unfortunately, they hear colorful words and ideas and expressions from the foster kids themselves.  The general rule of thumb is that it is wise to foster (and adopt) kids who are younger than the ones already at home.  With the idea, of course, that the older, more well-adjusted and well-behaved ones will have a positive influence on the younger ones joining the family, instead of the other way around. 

Of course it doesn’t always work that way.  A four-year old foster can teach a nine-year old bio some pretty shocking expletives!  And anyway, no one ever told God about the general rule of thumb.  Sometimes He calls a family to foster (or adopt) out of birth order and against all human logic.  So yes, our young children, who love to go to church on Sunday mornings, just might hear an older foster sibling declare sullenly, I don’t believe in God and all that sh--.

And in the middle of a heated argument, when all the trauma of past abuse, along with all the pain of never being wanted, boils to the surface, a foster teen just might run screaming through the house in a fit of rage.  My sweet young children hear that teen call me, their beloved mother, a f---ing b---, obscene words they will never be able to un-hear.  No one will ever be able to wash their ears clean and magically restore the naiveté of their childhood. 

How can we justify it?  How can we knowingly expose our dear children to the dark and violent and broken and shocking and profane?  Does a preschooler really need to hearing words like rehab and homeless and incarcerated?  Shouldn’t we be protecting their innocence?  Shouldn’t we go back to the time when spiders were the scariest thing they could possibly imagine?

Here’s the thing.  When we welcome foster kids into our homes, our own children do hear the ugly, it’s true.  But we are also exposing them, from a very young age, and most likely before they are mature enough to process it all, to the beautiful.

They hear their parents saying yes to a calling.  Stepping into a world where not many people are willing to go.  We are showing them, firsthand, how what courage and compassion and perseverance look like.  We are showing them how to love the most unlovable.  How investing our time and energy and resources into a broken life, how sharing our family with the most fragile and vulnerable can lead to healing and wholeness.  We are showing them how families can serve together and love one another through the hardest, most difficult seasons.

They hear – many, many times! - what Family means.  Maybe it’s talking with a foster child who has never had a father.  Maybe it’s talking with a foster teen who has only known abandonment.  Our children are right there in the living room or at the dinner table or in the back seat of the car during these conversations. They hear that God’s plan is for husbands and wives to commit to each other.  That parents should take care of their children and that children should respect their parents.  They hear that families communicate, expressing their needs and frustrations, thoughts and dreams, hopes, fears, and feelings. 

Even when tempers flare and patience runs thin and misunderstandings happen,  Family means working through conflicts and solving problems together.  It means forgiving and moving forward.  Family is where we learn how to develop healthy relationships – a skill that can be used for the rest of our lives!

Our children hear that Family is more than who we share our DNA with.  

Family is who we share our home with.

Quite often our children hear us praying, begging God for wisdom and strength when it all seems impossible.  When we do not feel like we are adequately equipped to reach these children who have so many complicated needs.

A few days ago, we were in the car with the radio up and the windows down.  It was way too much over-stimulation for our young daughter with sensory issues.  She covered her ears and said right out loud, God, please help me! She is already learning, by what she has heard from us many times before, how to cry out to God in times of need!

Before our children are old enough to understand the meanings, they hear beautiful words like thriving and milestones.  Even a child who has only known a loving, stable, safe home can understand what grace means.  And forgiveness. 

Our children may not understand grown-up problems and complicated situations, but they do hear words like reunification and restoration.  They hear us praying for birthparents, asking God to reach their hearts and to transform their lives.  And sometimes they see, firsthand, how God answers those prayers and mends broken families.  They hear the stories of the miracles.

When we welcome foster kids into our home, our children hear. They hear the dark and ugly, maybe even the profane. 

But more importantly, they hear the beautiful.

They hear their parents saying yes.  They hear hope and healing.  They hear grace and forgiveness.  They hear what Family means.  They hear our deepest, most earnest prayers.  They hear stories of the miraculous.

Most of all, through the heartaches and the joy, through the broken and the healing, through our failures and victories, this is what I fervently hope they hear.

Above all, I hope they hear love.