“We will adopt your baby!” We have seen the posts and read the comments. We have seen the pictures of individuals and couples holding signs with this printed message, standing outside the clinics and at the pro-life rallies. And while this is a well-meaning response to the recent abortion legislation and subsequent media attention, is offering to adopt her baby the right answer? The intent is good! Big-hearted and noble even! But offering to adopt her baby is an overly simplistic answer to a complex and much deeper issue.
The offer itself, if anyone chooses to be so brave, will need to be an offer that is made unconditionally. It is an offer that cannot be made with any exceptions. Not a single “if.“ Offering to adopt a child who has not yet been born is a serious consideration, a game-changing decision that could significantly affect us and the other members of our family for the rest of our lives!
Can we honestly say that we would be willing to adopt a baby with a different ethnicity than our own? One with special needs or who may be born with serious birth defects? One whose birthmother has AIDS or other communicable diseases? A baby who has already been exposed to dangerous substances that most assuredly has negatively impacted his or her brain development? If we are unable or unwilling to adopt a child with no questions asked, then perhaps we should not be offering at all.
Please hear me . . . I am not saying that a baby with significant special needs is ever a valid reason to have an abortion! Not at all! But if we ourselves are unwilling or unable to raise a child with significant special needs, perhaps we should not be so quick to criticize the expectant mother who is unwilling or unable to do so either.
And let’s take a step back for a moment, so we can look at the bigger picture. While offering to adopt her baby – unconditionally and without exceptions - is certainly a valid alternative to abortion, adoption is not the only alternative. Nor is adoption necessarily the best alternative. Adoption can be a beautiful thing, a moment when an orphaned child and a loving family find each other, joining their hearts together for the rest of their lives. Many of us have a story that includes adoption, and we are so, so thankful that it does!
But adoption only tells half of the story. What we often miss is that adoption is, or at least should be, the last resort. Adoption is the solution for when all other options have failed. If our response to abortion is to stand up and say, “We will adopt your baby!” we are inadvertently skipping to the last resort. And when we do so, we miss entirely the other piece of the equation. We completely overlook the mother who is carrying the baby.
It’s easy to vilify her. To shame her and the decision that she is struggling to make. Because if she’s the villain, then we get to be the hero. We want to rush in and rescue an unwanted baby. Please hear me . . . wanting to rescue an unwanted baby is not necessarily wrong. It’s a very good goal! However, we first need to ask ourselves another question. Are we, the ones who are willing to rescue a child, also willing to rescue a mother? We may be willing to open our hands and our hearts and our homes with love for a child. Are we also willing to open our hands and our hearts and our homes with love for the mother of that child?
Sure, there are mothers whose “hearts are bent on evil” (Isaiah 32:6). The ones who are “self-seeking and who reject the truth and follow evil” (Romans 2:8). For an abortion-minded mother whose heart is hardened, offering to adopt her baby will most likely not persuade her to change her mind.
But honestly, we don’t know the heart of every mother who is considering an abortion. We don’t know her story. We don’t know her reasons or the circumstances that have led her to this point. The obstacles in her life that seem insurmountable and impossible. Maybe she is considering an abortion, not because she is evil and hardened, but because she is lost and afraid. Perhaps she is considering an abortion, not because her baby is unwanted, but because she doesn’t see any other options. What if she knew that there was a community of people, not standing in judgement of her, not even a community of people offering to love her baby, but a community of people offering to love her?
Maybe she doesn’t need someone to adopt her baby. Maybe she needs someone to be her friend.
Are we, the same people who would be willing to spend thousands of dollars to adopt a baby, also willing to financially support the mother of that baby? What if we would offer, not to adopt her baby, but to help her pay for prenatal care, maternity clothes, safe housing, an education, parenting classes, counseling, transportation. If poverty and lack of resources is her reason for considering an abortion, perhaps having access to those necessary resources would make all the difference.
We would not hesitate to hire a qualified attorney to oversee the details of our adoption. Some of us are even in a position to promote legislative change, to be a voice for orphaned and vulnerable children. Would we do the same for a mother who needs legal aid, or for a mother who needs someone to be her voice for updated, more equitable laws? Perhaps she has a criminal history that disqualifies her from receiving public assistance. (1) Perhaps she needs legal counsel with immigration issues, domestic violence and restraining orders, custody disputes, child welfare involvement with her other children. If we would seek legal services for ourselves, for our own family, shouldn’t we be willing to do the same for her?
We would be willing to devote our time – many years, even! – to a child that we adopt into our family. Would we be willing to devote even a fraction of our time to the mother of that child? To offer, not to adopt her child, but to babysit her child while she finishes school or goes to work to provide for her family? Would we be willing to spend even a few hours a week, mentoring and investing in her life, helping her to become the very best mother that she can possibly be?
Perhaps she is being pressured, threatened even, to terminate her pregnancy by her parents or her boyfriend. And if she doesn’t agree, she will not be allowed to stay. Facing an unplanned pregnancy is frightening enough. Now she is facing the very real possibility of being pregnant and homeless! Perhaps going to a home for women with unplanned pregnancies is not an option because she is too old, too young, is married or has other children. If we would be willing to open our homes, finding room for her child . . . shouldn’t we be willing to do the same for her?
This is scary stuff! Being willing to get involved in a birth mother’s life is risky. It could be very messy and uncomfortable and complicated. We have no idea what we might be getting ourselves and our family into! But then again, is adoption any less risky? Welcoming a baby into our home can be every bit as messy and uncomfortable and complicated. If we are willing to push past the fear of the unknowns for a baby, shouldn’t we be willing to do the same for the baby’s mother?
And taking a step back even further, looking at an even bigger picture . . what about the mother’s heart? When we offer to adopt her baby, or even offer to help her or support her during her time of need, we are doing a good thing, for sure. But we are only offering her a temporal solution. We may be solving an immediate need, possibly saving the life of her unborn baby. But in doing so, we are doing nothing to solve her deeper, significantly more important spiritual need. We may be unintentionally forgetting the most basic and loving way that we can love her: by addressing her need for the saving power and grace of Jesus.
Shouldn’t we be addressing the brokenness of her life and the sinful choices – hers and others - that have led her to this point? Shouldn’t we be showing her, at every opportunity, the love of Christ? Telling her about the forgiveness and new life that can be found in Him? Showing her that in the middle a dark and frightening and seemingly hopeless situation, where to find hope?
Imagine that she is on a runaway train, speeding headlong towards the end of the line, destined for a fiery, deadly, devastating train wreck. She is sitting on that train, stooped under the terrible weight of her backpack, unaware of where she is heading. As she looks out the window of the train, she sees someone holding a sign that says, “I will carry your backpack for you.” Wonderful! What a huge relief that would be for her!
There are others who are willing to board the train with her, bringing her a tall glass of iced tea and fluffing the cushions on the passenger seat, making sure she has everything she needs. Great! She will certainly be more comfortable, and her burden will be relieved for the moment. However, her greatest need is not to be more comfortable. Her greatest need is for that train to be on a different track! A track that, instead of heading for destruction, is heading for a beautiful and glorious destination!!
There were approximately 600,000 abortions in America in 2015. (2) A huge, incomprehensible number! However, at the same time, there are an estimated 245 million professing Christians in America. (3) If even a fraction of those professing Christians were to get involved, who knows what difference it might make?!
Yes, some of us are called to go and adopt. To make that offer unconditionally and without exception. The abortion-vulnerable mothers need to see those open and loving hearts!
And some of us are called to go and support. To help and come alongside and befriend and love. What an encouragement for those mothers to experience those open and generous hands!!
Those are noble and worthy callings! We are indeed called to take every opportunity to do good (Galatians 6:10). To love, not only with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth (1 John 3:18) We don’t know her story, her reasons or the circumstances that have led her to this point. How can we know unless we ask? And how can we ask unless we go? Unless we are willing to invest in a personal, one-on-one relationship with her?
But if the only thing we are doing is offering to adopt, we are skipping to the last resort. And if the only thing we are doing is helping and supporting and encouraging, we are missing the most important thing. (4) We are losing sight of the one thing we are called to do, the one thing we can never overlook: our commission to “Go, therefore, and make disciples” (Matthew 28:19). To share the Good News that Jesus came to live the life that we could never live, and to die the death that we deserve. He came so that we might be rescued! (5)
Are we willing to open our hands and our hearts and our homes with love, not only for a child, but for the mother of that child? What if she knew that there was a community of people, not standing in judgement of her, not even a community of people offering to love her baby, but a community of people offering to love her?
1. “Individuals committing a federal controlled substance felony are permanently disqualified from Food and Nutrition Services.” www2.ncdhhs.gov/info/olm/manuals/dss/ei-30/man/FSs290.htm
“Public Housing Agencies are authorized to obtain and use the criminal records to screen applicants for admission to public housing and housing choice voucher programs, and for lease enforcement or eviction of families residing in public housing or receiving housing assistance.” www.hud.gov/sites/documents/DOC_11330.PDF
“Public Housing Agencies are authorized to obtain and use the criminal records to screen applicants for admission to public housing and housing choice voucher programs, and for lease enforcement or eviction of families residing in public housing or receiving housing assistance.” www.hud.gov/sites/documents/DOC_11330.PDF
4. Many “Christian” pro-life groups and unplanned pregnancy centers fail to unashamedly share the Gospel with the women they serve. They may be doing good work and they may be saving babies’ lives, but they are missing the point. They are essentially helping mothers to be more comfortable while sitting on a the proverbial train that is headed for destruction.
5. Patte Smith, who has been reaching mothers at the abortion clinics for decades, would love for you to join her and her ministry! They need caring and humble men and women who are willing to commit to joining them weekly, for 6 consecutive weeks to be trained to humbly and assertively share the Gospel. There are plenty of opportunities to follow up and be a godly friend to mommas and daddies throughout pregnancy and beyond. If you are willing to “go and make disciples,” please contact Patte at pattesmith@gmail.com
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