“A friend is someone who knows the
song in your heart
and will sing it back to you when
you have forgotten the words.”
My friend
has come for a brief visit this crisp winter morning, although “visit” is a
relative term and doesn’t accurately describe our interaction. It’s hard to have an uninterrupted
conversation when there are little ones running around, each one needing
something that can’t be postponed. While
my friend sits alone at my kitchen table (in my preoccupation, I may have
forgotten to offer a cup of coffee or a glass of water), I change a diaper,
refill a sippy cup, start a g-tube feeding, catch the toddler just before he
falls backwards off the couch, stop the older one from grabbing his favorite
toy away from the baby (and then remind him again of why he needs to keep his
toys in his room), clean up spilled Cheerios off the floor, and turn off the
feeding pump when the alarm indicates that it is finished.
The entire
time, my friend is sitting there, slightly amused, watching the non-stop chaos
that defines the majority of my waking hours.
I try to make light of the situation and say, half-jokingly, the phrase
I say many times every day, as if I’m starring in my own video that might be
posted online somewhere: #thisismylife.
To which my
friend responds, with barely a hesitation:
It’s the life you chose.
That is the
end of the conversation right there. How
can I possibly reply? It is the life I chose. When I agreed to care for these foster
children, some who have since been adopted into our family, what else did I
expect? A life of spa days and bonbons?
Even so,
the comment stings. I feel like a
turtle, safely protected inside my beautifully painted shell, fearful that
anyone might see the weak, vulnerable, ugly reptile hiding inside. In a moment of courage, in hopes of making a
connection, I hesitantly stick my head out to assess my surroundings. To test the waters. Nope. It’s
not safe. The grace and compassion I had
hoped to find is met, instead, with criticism and judgment. And so I retreat back into the safety of my
shell. #fakesmile #everythingisfine I do not say one word.
I received
the message loud and clear:
#youchosethislife and #youhavenorighttocomplain and #maybeyoushouldquit.
