“Beep!
Beep! Beep!” My alarm clock blares at an ungodly hour,
sometimes even before the sun itself is awake, demanding that I leave the brief
escape of sleep in order to face the responsibilities of the day ahead. Even before my eyes crack open and my feet
find the floor, my mind is already racing ahead to the list of tasks before me,
a list that I know before I even start is way too long to complete. A mother’s life is naturally busy on any
given day, but add in the stress of having a child in the hospital, and the
responsibilities soon become overwhelming, almost paralyzing.
My voice says, “How can I possibly do this?! It’s too difficult!”
God’s voice says, “Is anything too hard for the
Lord?” (Genesis 18:14)
Because of his infections, he is on
“isolation”, meaning that everyone who enters his room must be fully masked,
gowned, and gloved. His days are filled
with masked strangers entering his room bearing sharp needles, yuck-tasting
medicine, and other instruments of torture, at least in the eyes of a
three-year old. Although I feel helpless
to change the situation in any way, I do my best to hold him and comfort him
after each painful procedure, talk with the doctors about their plans to help
him become healthy again, request his favorite food from the cafeteria, arrange
and rearrange his few belongings, and give him his daily bath. I almost don’t recognize the lethargic child
who barely has enough energy to sit up. As
the days slowly turn into weeks, all I can do is read stories to him and sing
him to sleep, praying again and again that God would heal his feverish,
infected body.
My voice says, “I’m so frightened! What if the
doctors are right, that this illness could cause permanent damage from which he
will never recover?”
God’s voice says, “Do not be fainthearted or
afraid; do not be terrified or give way to panic . . . for the Lord your God is
the One who goes with you.” (Deuteronomy
20:3)
I wish I could stay with him 24/7. However, in an effort to prevent myself from
becoming exhausted, well, more exhausted than I already am, I force myself to
leave his bedside at the end of every day.
The frantic echoes of his screaming, “Mama, Maaaaamaaaaa!” as I walk
down the hospital corridor is almost more than I can bear. The guilt utterly consumes me. But what else can I do? I know that the other members of my family
need me at home.
My voice says, “You’re not doing enough. How can you leave your child alone in the
hospital? You’re not a very good
mother.”
God’s voice says, “What does the Lord your God
ask of you? . . . Fear the Lord your God and serve Him. Hold fast to Him.” (Deuteronomy 10:12 & 20)
I arrive home, mentally, emotionally and
physically spent. How I desperately long
for a quiet evening to rest and get re-energized for another day at the
hospital tomorrow. Unfortunately,
relaxing is not on the agenda. The
laundry has been piling up, the other kids are hungry – again, and the
countertops are overflowing with unopened mail, unpaid bills, and unwashed
dishes. I look at the calendar, cringing
that yet another day has gone by, putting my kids further and further behind in
their schoolwork.
My voice says, “How will I ever catch up! Where do I even start? I’m so weary.”
God’s voice says, “My Presence will go with
you, and I will give you rest.” (Exodus 33:14)
One of my daughters has been asking me repeatedly
for several weeks now to help her with a project. But with the critical worries about my foster
son’s health and the demands that this hospitalization is placing on my
schedule, I haven’t made the time for her.
Ugh! Here comes that guilt again! My other daughter, in an effort to do
something special for our family during this bleak time, decided to make a cake
for us. Unfortunately, it burned on the
top and failed to rise. What did she do
wrong? I have no idea, since I wasn’t
home to help her figure out the recipe.
The self-condemnation just keeps piling on. I finally crawl into bed, so fatigued that my
bones hurt. It’s just about that time that
my son, the night owl of the family, decides to perch on the end of my bed and talk
about his day. I try to look interested
in his ideas for a new invention and to be excited about the high score he won
on his computer game. But my mumbles of
“Hmmm” can hardly disguise the fact that my eyes won’t stay open. Guilt, guilt, guilt!
My voice says, “I’m a complete and utter failure.”
God’s voice says, “I am the Lord your God who
brought you out of slavery; I broke the bars of your yoke and enabled you to
walk with your head held high.”
(Leviticus 26:13)
And my husband, my poor husband. I know he is facing difficult situations and
challenging demands every day at work. And
to make matters worse, his job requires that he travel all over the world,
taking him away from our family and completely confusing his internal
clock. I would love to discuss the
critical decisions he is facing, and fulfill my role as his sounding board and
confidante. Even when we are in the same
time zone, we often resort to communicating by texts and e-mails. Neither one of us is able to offer the other one
the support that we so desperately need from each other during this challenging
season of our life.
My voice says, “Look at all the ways my family
is being deprived.”
God’s voice says, “Rejoice in all the good
things the Lord your God has given to you and your household.” (Deuteronomy
26:11)
How is it humanly possible to be in two places
at once? The people I love are at home,
where I long to be. Yet one precious
child is in the hospital, where I must be.
Again and again my voice says, “This is just
too hard! There is no way I can do this!
God, did I make a mistake and
misunderstand your calling to care for this child? Did YOU make a mistake by giving me more
responsibilities than I can possibly manage?”
God’s voice says, “He is the Rock, His works
are perfect; all His ways are just. A
faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is He.” (Deuteronomy 32:4)
I don’t know how long my little guy will be in
the hospital. I can’t possibly predict
the long-term effects that this illness will cause. I have no idea what impact this season of our
life will have on the other members of my family. But one thing I am absolutely certain
of: I must stop listening to my voice! It is His
voice that matters, the one that encourages, counsels, confirms, and
strengthens. The voice that does not
change when the weariness, doubt, and guilt set in. His words are not optional for me.
His voice continually reminds me, “They are not
just idle words for you – they are your life!” (Deuteronomy 32:47)
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