The
outburst at school is completely unexpected, and catches his teacher by
surprise. In the whole time that he has
been in her class, she has never seen him act this way before. She knows a little about his story – about his
rocky start in life, about his birth mother who was incapable of caring for him,
about some of the trauma and uncertainty and upheaval that he has experienced during
his childhood, about his multiple disruptions and moves during his journey
through the foster care system.
Still, it’s
been more than a year that he has been with his current foster family, a family
who is loving and involved and who want the very best for him, and he seems to
have settled in nicely there. Where
could all these sudden strong emotions be coming from?
A brief conversation
with his foster mother clears up the mystery.
Yes, he fits in well with their family.
Yes, they love him passionately.
But they recently found out that everything will soon be changing. His birth parents’ rights are going to be
terminated in court, and he will be free for adoption. While this is what he ultimately needs – unconditional
love and permanency and stability - this
also means yet another move from his current foster family to an unknown adoptive
family somewhere. This will mean yet
another painful, difficult, frightening transition.
He had been
brave when they first started talking about it, asking questions and trying to imagine
what the future might look like for him.
But he realizes that the permanent loss of his biological parents means
that any hope he might have been holding out for reunification is now over. That
door is forever closed.
And now the
loss of his foster family too? The loss
of his friends and church and school and neighbors, everything that is
familiar? The fear and grief eventually came
bubbling to the surface at the most inopportune time – in the middle of class! –
and thus, the emotional outburst. Everyone
understands but, although they are sympathetic, there is nothing they can do to
change this boy’s situation.
This child
needs a family. A family who will
gently, patiently help him deal with his grief and loss. A family who will love him as their own son, who
will embrace his disability and provide him with opportunities to excel. And now that he will soon be entering
adolescence, he needs a family with a father who will walk alongside him as he navigates
the tumultuous years into young adulthood.
For most of
us, when we hear his story, there is a little stirring in our hearts, a spark
of compassion for this boy.
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Some of us
may have never given adoption a single thought!
We have a full life, raising our own kids, helping them with homework most
evenings, getting them involved in sports, volunteering for their school’s
fundraisers, driving them to their youth group activities at church. Enjoying fun dinners with friends on Saturday
nights. Adopting another child? That’s not even on our radar!
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
For some
us, though, now that the seed has been planted, it starts to take root. We may start having conversations about
it. Asking questions about the adoption
process. Sort of put some feelers out
about what to expect, you know, if we
eventually decide to head down this path. We pray, hoping to hear from God, Is this really what you want for me and my
family?
We will
decide to take the next step. You know,
just to see where it might lead. We
contact the local foster/adoption agency to find out more. We introduce ourselves and describe this boy
who, without even knowing him, has become part of our heart. We have so many questions, we barely know
where to start.
What we
learn from the woman on the other end of the phone is shocking. We find out that in order to be considered as
an adoptive family for this boy, we will need to pay an application fee. We will need to submit to a criminal background
check. Open our family and personal
lives to an extensive home study. Attend
hours and hours of required training classes.
And at the end of that months-long process, there will be no guarantee
that we would be chosen as an adoptive family for him.
What? Do all of that? Commit to all those classes? Pay all that money? With no guarantee?
We are horrified and angry and disappointed and frustrated that with our
very first step down this path, we have run into a roadblock. And if we are honest, we are also sort of
relieved that maybe God isn’t calling us to this path after all.
But is that what adoption
means? To give up so easily?
Adoption is
such a rich picture of what Jesus has done for us? He gave up everything – his home, his power,
his position – and came running into the darkness to rescue broken people like us. He experienced so much more than a little
roadblock. A little inconvenience. A slight cost. No, our rescue cost Him everything! He suffered humiliation and rejection and
unspeakable physical pain as he went to the cross. He gave up everything to rescue the children
He so passionately loved!
If we want
to be like Jesus, shouldn’t we be willing to do the same?
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For some of
us, it may not be an issue of inconvenience.
We may be paralyzed by fear. What if he runs away? What if his biological family tries to find
him? What if his behavior is more than
we can manage? What if he doesn’t get
along well with our children? What if we
are unable to provide the time, energy, resources, and support that he needs? What if . . .?
All
legitimate questions. Questions we should be considering!
But is that what adoption
means? To let fear to be the deciding
factor?
In the book
of Judges, there is a story about Gideon, who was facing a powerful enemy with
just a small army, knowing that he was not nearly equipped enough for the task
that God had called him to – the task of rescuing Israel. God said to him, “Go with the strength you do have.
I will be with you.”
Yes, we should be asking questions. We should be making wise, informed decisions,
decisions that will indelibly affect us and our family. However, if God is calling us to this
seemingly impossible task, we should consider so much more than what we
lack. What we don’t know. What we might not be able to provide. We should be considering the strengths we do have. And the one thing we do have? A family.
Every year, more than 20,000 teens
age out of foster care without ever having found a family. They enter adulthood without housing,
financial assistance, or emotional support.
They are at huge risk of homelessness, unemployment, unplanned
pregnancies, and prison. (1) If this child does not find a family to adopt him, there is a very
real possibility that he could become one of these statistics.
There are
no perfect families, no perfect parents, no perfect homes. But if this boy, this one child who is facing
an uncertain future were to be given a choice?
Guaranteed he would prefer to have an imperfect family than no family at
all!
Furthermore,
if God is calling us to this seemingly impossible task, He will not leave us to
do it on our own. He promises to be with
us! We go with His strength, His wisdom,
His sufficiency. We go with His perfect
love in our hearts . . . the perfect love that casts out fear (1 John
4:18). Yes, it may seem impossible, but
not with God! With God all things are
possible! (Mark 10:27)
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Perhaps
some of us have already been involved in this foster and adoption journey, and
now we are weary. We have spent years
and years welcoming broken children in our homes, loving them as our own,
committing to give them the very best care that we possibly can. Almost always it has been at great expense to
our personal comfort and convenience.
We want to be
done with social workers in our home. Done
with paperwork and court hearings and ongoing training classes and fire
inspections and fingerprint checks. Done
with learning to love a stranger who doesn’t want to be here, dealing with their
behaviors that are difficult to manage, and walking alongside them as they deal
with past trauma and grieve the loss of their birth family. Done with doctors and disabilities and
diagnoses.
We want to have
a normal life, raising our own kids, reading to them on quiet evenings in our
family room, having spontaneous tickle wars, dancing to silly music. We want to enjoy fun dinners with friends on
Saturday nights. Uninterrupted family
vacations. Quiet holidays. Adopting another child? Isn’t
it someone else’s turn? Please, God if there is any other way,
please choose someone else!
Is that what adoption means? To put a limit on our love?
Jesus
begged His Father, Please, if there is
any other way, please let this cup pass from me. But there was no other way. He rescued us from a bleak and hopeless and
lonely future, running into the darkness to rescue us. To become the Father we so desperately
need. He set his face towards the cross with joy
(Hebrews 12:2) because He knew that this was the only way to rescue the
children he so passionately loved! The
only way to adopt us into His family.
He did
that, not just a few years ago, but more than 2,000 years ago! And in spite of the millions of people who have
rejected His free gift, His arms are still open. He still welcomes the needy. He still offers the beautiful invitation to Come.
There is no limit to how much, how often, how long He will love.
If we want
to be like Jesus, shouldn’t we be willing to do the same?
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Our hearts
are stirred with compassion for this boy.
But he needs so much more than hearts stirred with compassion. He needs a family. A family who will not be dissuaded by any
obstacle. Who will courageously face any
fear. Who will not become weary in doing
good (Galatians 6:9). A family who will
set their face towards his adoption with
joy.
When we
understand what Jesus has done to rescue us, it is an honor, a true privilege
to be a part of His story of redemption.
Part of His plan to rescue the lonely and give them a family (Psalm
68:6). To know that when Jesus promises “I
will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you” (John 14:18), that He would
choose us, our own willing hearts and open arms, to fulfill that promise!
In my
distress I called upon the Lord;
to my
God I cried for help.
From his
temple He heard my voice,
and my
cry to Him reached His ears.
Then the
earth reeled and rocked;
The
foundations of the mountains
trembled
and quaked.
He bowed
the heavens and came down;
He came
swiftly on the wings of the wind.
He drew
me out of many waters.
He
rescued me because He delighted in me.
Psalm 18
Such beautiful
imagery of what He has done for us! He
heard our cry. He saw, as it were, our
unexpected outburst, our strong emotions, our grief and our fear bubbling to
the surface at the most inopportune time.
What did He
do in response? He came running. He moved heaven and earth to come to us. To rescue us.
If we want
to be like Jesus, shouldn’t we be willing to do the same?
1. Statistics from www.cnn.com/2014/04/16/opinion/soronen-foster-children/index.html
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