That Time We Said No

This is the new foster placement coordinator 

(I don’t think we have met yet).  I see from our 

records that you have space available in your 

home, and I was wondering if you might be 

interested in taking a new foster placement.

We would be willing to consider it, sure!

Can you give me some more details?

There is a 3-year old little boy who is in the

hospital and ready to be discharged soon.

Oh, wow!  Do you know why he is in the 

hospital? Does he have a lot of medical 

needs?  Will he need special care?

I just got the paperwork from the investigator, 

so I am unfamiliar with the case.  Let’s see . . .

It looks like he has a feeding tube and he has 

a trach.  And possibly some endocrine issues.  

He is being taken into protective custody due 

to medical neglect.

Oh, no!  That poor child!  My heart goes out 

to him.  However, we have had several 

children with trachs over the years, and they 

are SO hard!  They need full-time, 24-hour 

care, and we just cannot commit to that.  We 

are going to have to say no. I’m so sorry!

Ok, well, let me see if I can get some more

information and then get back with you.

That’s fine if you want to find out more 

information, but we are unable to take a child 

with a trach.  We really need to say no.

Thank you for your honesty.  I understand 

that this would be a big commitment.  Let me 

put you in touch with his medical team at the 

hospital.  They may be able to give you more 

details about his care, and answer any 

questions you may have.

Ok, sure.  It never hurts to get more 

information and ask some questions, right?

.

This is the hospital social worker for the little 

3-year old boy.  I was so excited to see that 

you and your husband are going to be his new 

foster parents!  You guys are amazing, and 

everyone here at the hospital just loves you!  

Thank you for your kind words! We have 

enjoyed working with all of you as well!  But 

there must be a misunderstanding. We 

have NOT committed to anything! The 

placement coordinator asked us about 

taking him, but she didn’t have very much 

information, and said that you might be able 

to answer some questions. That’s all.

Ah. I understand.  Why don’t you come to 

the hospital and meet him and speak with his 

medical team?  They will be able to give you 

specific details about what kind of care he will 

need.  From what I understand, he may not 

have his trach in for very much longer, and 

he may not even be in foster care very long.  

He really just needs temporary care with an 

experienced foster family until everything can 

get sorted out, and I cannot think of a more 

perfect family for him to go to.  Can you and 

your husband come in tomorrow morning?

It would be great to see you again!

Possibly.  Let me check with my husband 

and see if he is available tomorrow.

You are going to absolutely fall in love 

with this little guy!  He is a beautiful child!

Hi, Honey!  Guess what?  We got a call about 

taking a foster child with a trach. I said no – 

of course! - but they are asking us to go to the 

hospital and meet with his medical team to get 

more information.  Are you available tomorrow?

I have some meetings that can probably be 

rearranged.  We can go, but of course we 

aren’t going to take him!  I feel bad for these 

kids, but man!  Caring for them can be so 

exhausting!  And anyway, where would he 

sleep if he came to our house?

I’m sure we could do some rearranging of 

beds and furniture tonight after you get home 

from work.  :)  He would need the bedroom 

downstairs, for the nurses that would be 

coming and going at all hours. NOT that we 

are going to say yes!!!!

I checked with my husband, and yes, we can 

be there at the hospital tomorrow morning.  

See you then!

Great!  I’ll make sure his medical team is 

available to answer any questions, have them 

start preparing his discharge paperwork, order 

his home medical equipment and supplies, 

request nursing care, and work on getting all 

of his follow-up appointments scheduled.  I 

look forward to seeing you tomorrow!

Hi friend!  Thank you SO much for watching 

my kiddos today while we are at the hospital.  

I truly had NO idea that it was going to take 

this long!  I’m SO sorry!!

No problem!  They are having fun here.  Let 

me know when you are on your way, and I 

will meet you at your house.

This is the home health agency.  We are working 

on getting nursing care in place for your new

foster placement.  When can we meet with you 

to go over the details of his care?

We aren’t home right now.  We are at the 

hospital, getting ready for discharge.  They 

said it would be a few more hours.

Ok.  Let me know when you are on your way, 

and I will meet you at your house.

This is the home medical equipment company.  

We received an order for oxygen tanks, medical 

equipment, and medical supplies.  When can we 

deliver them to your home?

We aren’t home right now.  We are at the 

hospital, getting ready for discharge.  They 

said it would be a few more hours.

Ok.  Let me know when you are on your way, 

and I will meet you at your house.

This is the new social worker assigned to this 

case.  I need to meet you and the child within 

24 hours of him coming into care, and I have 

some paperwork I need you to sign.  When 

can I come for a home visit?

We aren’t home right now.  We are at the 

hospital, getting ready for discharge.  They 

said it would be a few more hours.

Ok.  Let me know when you are on your way, 

and I will meet you at your house.

This is the developmental services agency.  

I understand you have a new foster child who 

is going to need some speech therapy, feeding 

therapy, developmental therapy, and 

occupational therapy.  Can I send you some 

questionnaires to fill out so that we can get 

these therapies started?

I literally just met this child today!  I have no 

idea of his family health history, if he was 

premature, how old he was when he sat up, 

or any of the developmental milestones he 

has or has not reached.  I can’t fill out a 

questionnaire.  I know nothing about him!

No problem.  We will want to do our own 

evaluations anyway, so just fill out what you 

can, and get the paperwork back to me as 

soon as possible.  I would like to get started 

on finding the right therapists for him.

Hey, Sweetie!  I’m sorry I had to leave after 

meeting the medical team this morning, but I 

had some commitments at work this afternoon, 

and I just couldn’t stay.  

How’s it going?  Has he been discharged 

yet?  Do you need me for anything?  And by 

the way, they were right . . . we ARE going to 

fall in love with this little guy!  Good thing we

said no!  Ha ha!!

OMG!  He hasn’t been discharged yet, and 

already I am SO overwhelmed! Everyone 

is contacting me, I’m trying to listen to all the 

 instructions from his doctors, I need to sign 

tons of paperwork, he has 8 follow-up 

appointments in the next few weeks, and I 

am going to be inundated with MORE people 

needing my attention the minute we pull into 

the driveway.  What in the world are we 

doing?!?!?!  I thought we said no!!!!!

You are going to do great!  You are REALLY 

good at this!!  We know it will be very hard at 

first, but we will get into a good routine and 

figure it all out.  We are on this adventure 

together, Sweetie!  Love you!!

Hi, friend!  How’s it going?  A few of us are 

having a holiday get-together, and wanted 

to know if you are free to join us?  We 

haven’t seen you for a while, and we would 

love to catch up!

Thank you SO much for thinking of me, but I 

can’t.  We have a new foster child who has 

been living with us for a few weeks now, and 

I just cannot do one more thing! 

Oh, wow!  You are a rock star!  How’s it going?

Honestly, it’s absolutely insane! He is still 

adjusting and wants to be held and cuddled 

all the time (which I love!!), but I barely have 

time to sit down.  He has SO many appointments 

and therapies and visits with his parents. He 

needs 24/7 care, but the nurses they promised 

us have been very inconsistent. I haven’t 

gotten any sleep, and I’m SO exhausted! 

Let us help!  We can bring meals, watch 

your other kids while you take a nap (in your 

free time, ha ha!), whatever you need.  

Please ask!  Are you ready for Christmas?

Christmas?  You mean, like that holiday 

that’s coming up in just a few days!  I can’t even.

Send us your shopping list!  And your kids’ sizes!  

We will even do all the wrapping for you!  We 

are on it!!

You are a God-send!  Thank you so, so much!!

“Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, 

stand firm.  Let nothing move you.  Always 

give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, 

because you know that your labor in the Lord 

is not in vain.”  (1 Corinthians 15:58) 

Thank you, my friend!  That is exactly the 

reminder and encouragement that I need today!!

Hi! This is the hospital social worker 

checking in with you. I have a quick update 

from this little boy’s medical team.  

Unfortunately, he is going to have his trach 

a lot longer than we originally thought.  We 

are just heading into cold and flu season, 

and his doctors don’t want to risk him 

getting a respiratory infection without having 

the safety of his trach to help him breathe.  

So they will wait until spring, and then 

re-evaluate him and his health at that time.  

I know you are disappointed, but hang in 

there!  You are doing a great job!

This is the social worker again.  The court 

approved longer and more frequent visits for 

the parents.  

MORE visits?  How is this earthly possible?  

We only have 24 hours in a day, and he 

already has doctors’ appointments, specialists, 

therapists, etc. that we can barely schedule as 

it is!  He needs time to be a kid!

Sorry, the visits are court-ordered. He will 

have a 2-hour visit with dad and then another 

2-hour visit with mom. 

Seriously!?!?  FOUR hours of visits?  With all 

of his medical problems, he is SO easily 

fatigued.

Please bring him to the office on Friday morning.

He will miss yet another day of preschool, and 

he is already SO delayed!  And I will have to 

rearrange his feeding therapy, which is 

scheduled for that time.

Sorry, the visits are court-ordered.

When is the next court hearing? Does the 

judge know that he is medically fragile?  Can 

you request that he have shorter visits?

I will make a note of it. See you Friday.

Hi there, my friend!  Just checking in to see 

how you are doing.  Everything going ok?

No, everything is NOT going ok! I hate this 

SO much!  Some days I literally feel like I 

am going insane!  Why, oh why did I ever 

agree to this?!?!

“And let us not grow weary of doing good, 

for in due season we will reap, if we do not 

give up.”  (Galatians 6:9)  Don’t give up!  

You may not see it now, but what you are 

doing has eternal value!  I’m praying for you!

Thank you, my friend!  That is exactly the 

reminder and encouragement that I need today!!

(6 MONTHS LATER . . .)

Hi, my friend!  Thank you for stopping by 

earlier!  It was great to catch up with you!  

It was good to see you too!  And it was great to 

see your little guy. He is doing amazing!

Isn’t he just SO sweet!  My heart is 

overflowing with love for this child!

He’s precious!  And he is doing great!  

It’s hard to believe he’s the same child 

you brought home from the hospital!

He has really made some great progress!  

He’s getting ready to get his trach out soon.  

He has “graduated” from several of his therapies.  

He is finally putting on some weight.  And I think 

he is starting to really heal from some of that 

early trauma he has experienced. It truly is 

amazing! And to think we almost missed this!

He’s so lucky to have you!

No, I am the lucky one!  Of all the people in 

the world who could have cared for him, God 

called our family to this task. It has been SO 

rewarding to see his transformation, and to 

have the great, great privilege of loving him! 

I hope it’s ok that I am contacting you.  You 

don’t know me, but my husband and I saw 

you at church last weekend and recognized 

your foster child.  We think that he might be 

my husband’s second cousin.  Crazy, right?  

We had no idea he was in foster care!  We 

have actually never met him, but we have 

seen his picture on social media.

Wow! I don’t think this is a coincidence at all!  

He is in foster care in our home. Unbeknownst 

to either of us, we go to the same church.  You 

happened to see us in a crowded lobby in 

between services.  And you recognized a 

child you have never met! Is that an amazing 

God-thing, or what?!

Absolutely!  I have tears just thinking about it!

Hey, when you get a minute, can you give us 

the name of his social worker?

Sure, I can give you her contact info.  

Are you interested in a Kinship Placement?  

I don’t know too much about the process, 

but I think it might take a while to get 

everything approved. 

Thank you so much!  We don’t know anything 

at all about the foster care system or how it 

works.  It sort of terrifies me.  And anyway, 

my husband has already said no.  He doesn’t 

want this little guy to live with us, because the 

extended family dynamics are so messy and 

complicated.  But it never hurts to get more 

information and ask some questions, right?

I understand.  We have no idea what the future 

holds for him!  But I will ask his social worker 

if you can meet him and maybe spend time 

getting to know him. Even if he doesn’t live 

with you, this time while he is in foster care 

would be a great opportunity for you to get to 

know him and share God’s love with him!

That would be wonderful!

I look forward to meeting you soon! 

(1 YEAR LATER . . .)

A quick note to check in with you and see how 

everyone is adjusting.  Is our little guy settling 

in at your home?  Are you holding up ok?

Honestly, I was SO terrified when he came to 

live with us!  Never in a million years did I think 

this placement would actually happen!  And I 

had no idea what we would be getting into!  

But really, he is doing great!  We are all 

adjusting to the transition very well.  

That’s great to hear!  I have wondered so many 

times why God called us to foster him, 

especially since we kept saying no!  Well, 

obviously He had a bigger plan than any of us 

ever could have imagined!  He knew that 

this was part of the process to connect him 

with you, his forever family!!

Words could never express how thankful we 

are for all you did for him!  You suffered 

alongside him through all of his medical 

difficulties.  You were his first safe place and 

endured dealing with the trauma that came 

from being taken away from his mother.  You 

endured the really hard stuff.  As things begin 

to finally show permanency and we are certain 

that he will be with us long term, we will always 

point him back to the courage and sacrifice you 

gave to him.  You were the Lord’s grace to him at

a time of his life when he most needed it.  

To God be the glory!  He is the One who turned 

a very challenging and exhausting situation 

into something amazing!  He is the One who 

turned our reluctance into reality. He is the 

One who turned our no into such a beautiful yes!!