Please, God. Please don’t make me do this! Surely there is some other way. Surely there is a solution I haven’t thought of yet. You know me! You know I am weak and exhausted and ill-equipped for this path. You know I have cancer, for heaven’s sake! God, you know I can’t do this!
And yet, despite my tear-filled tantrum, despite my reminding God of all the things He already knows, this is precisely what He is asking me to do. He is asking me to teach my son. At home. We tried sending him to school where he might be able to receive the special education that he needs. But that was not the answer. We tried hiring a private teacher at home where his fragile health will be protected. But that was not the answer either.
No, I know in the depths of my heart that there is no other option for his education. For this season, anyway, God is calling me to this task. He is calling me to rely on, not the experts or the professionals or the “multitudes.” There is certainly a time and a place and season for those resources. But for this season, He wants me to rely on the Holy One of Israel. He wants me to seek help from Him as I walk this path. (Isaiah 31:1)
And the path, for me, is daunting. Since the day I met him nearly ten years ago, I have poured myself wholeheartedly into protecting him and keeping him healthy. I have researched his complicated physical conditions and have found the very best specialists who can help him to thrive. And it has been such a tremendous joy to see him thrive! Every day, his vibrant personality and zeal for life simply amazes me! The fact that he is alive simply amazes me!
But his learning difficulties? His neuro-developmental disabilities? Those are way beyond me. They defy my ability to understand. How can I possibly teach him to read, much less to comprehend and apply what he is reading? How can I help him memorize math facts when numbers make no sense to him? But even more frightening than the academics is the life-skills that are so essential for him to learn. How can I possibly teach him everything he needs to know to live a productive and independent life some day? The very thought of it overwhelms and almost paralyzes me.
