After my last blog post, describing how even the strongest Rock can become weary, we were overwhelmed by an outpouring of love! Many of our friends are asking, What can we do?
It’s not an easy question to answer, because in general, men are hesitant to ask for help. Even Moses, a Rock for an entire nation, needed someone to help him recognize, You cannot do this by yourself!
We see the story in Exodus 18. It took Moses from morning until evening to carry out his many responsibilities. When his father-in-law saw all that he was doing for the people, he said to Moses, What are you doing? Why are you doing all this alone? This is not good! You are wearing yourself out! This is too heavy for you. You are not able to do it alone. Look for able men, men who fear God, men who are trustworthy, and let them help you. They will bear the burden with you, and you will be able to endure.
In the same way, the Rock in our family has been wearing himself out, supporting me while I battle cancer, taking on many of my responsibilities at home, caring for our children, all while holding down a full-time job. The words that Moses needed to hear are the same words my husband needs to hear today: What are you doing? Why are you doing all this alone? This is not good! You are wearing yourself out! This is too heavy for you. You are not able to do it alone. Look for able men, men who fear God, men who are trustworthy, and let them help you. They will bear the burden with you, and you will be able to endure.
So, who are these able men, men who fear God, men who are trustworthy? And how can they help? Here are just a few ideas, although the possibilities are endless!
CO-WORKERS
Be flexible. Thank you for understanding when he needs to work from home, or when he can’t work at all that day because he is with me at my oncologist’s appointments or chemotherapy treatments. Thank you for being flexible when he reschedules the same meeting three times! We never quite know what each day is going to hold.
Lighten the load. He could use “able men, men who are trustworthy” to come alongside him at work. If possible, offer to co-lead one of his projects. Offer to meet with a client – locally or on the other side of the world. If you are going to be attending the same meeting, offer to prepare the presentation so that he doesn’t have to. Whatever you can do to lighten his load.
Invite him to lunch – away from the office. Or better yet, if the weather is nice, invite him to take a walk around the campus. Chances are, this will be the only time he breathes in fresh air today!
Be sure to ask. Not just, How is your wife doing? but How are you doing? He just may take the opportunity to tell you honestly how very hard this is.
MEN AT CHURCH
Invite him to a men’s event. Is there a men’s breakfast or Bible Study or another men’s event coming up? We haven’t been to church in months, and we have no idea what opportunities are available. He would most likely be encouraged, his spirit buoyed and strengthened, by having fellowship with “men who fear God.” (see note below)
Pray with him or with us together. Several times people from our church – both men and women - have come to our home to pray with us, lifting us and our family before our good and loving Father. They have sung with us, worshipped with us, spoken God’s promises over us. Because we have not been able to attend a regular church service in several months, these times have been especially sweet. The Body of Christ is such a beautiful thing, and these times together encourage us to press on. These moments remind us that we have not been forgotten!
Coordinate a service day for the yard. With spring right around the corner, the weeds are likely to take over, bushes will need trimming, the garden is waiting to be planted, and sticks and branches and trees from the last storm need to be cleared. Many hands make light work, and with others to help, these tasks won’t seem quite so overwhelming.
FRIENDS
Invite him to lunch during the week or for a cup of coffee on a Saturday morning. His world has become small, going to work and then coming back home again. A change of scenery, a kind and compassionate friend, a listening ear . . . these would be such a breath of fresh air for him!
Ask if he would like to do something fun. Something non-work, non-family, non-cancer related. Every person is different, of course, but my husband particularly enjoys activities like hunting, fishing, going to the shooting range, riding his bike on one of the nearby greenway trails, taking the dog for a hike in the woods. Not only is fresh air and sunshine therapeutic, there is nothing that says “male bonding” like the great outdoors! (see note below)
Go with him to the gym or go for a run in the neighborhood. Because he has so many responsibilities on his shoulders, exercising has, unfortunately, become low on his list of priorities. Not only does he want to stay healthy, our family needs him to stay healthy! He is much more likely to exercise if there is someone to go with him.
Invite him to an event in the community. Is there a short-wave radio expo or wood-working demo coming up? Isn’t the Dixie Deer Classic happening in the spring? What about a sporting event? Our world has become very small, and we don’t know what events are happening in the community. The break from his responsibilities would be so refreshing for him! (see note below)
Help with household repairs. Life doesn’t stop with the cancer diagnosis. Cars still need oil changes, appliances still break, light bulbs still burn out, doorknobs still become loose, hinges still squeak, broken screens still need to be replaced. Believe me, even while sick in bed and fighting for her health, a wife still has a Honey-Do list.
Bring dinner . . . and plan to join us for dinner! We need fellowship. Even during this dark and uncertain season, even when I’m not feeling well, we need our friends! Since “male bonding” doesn’t always come naturally, it might be less awkward for a couple to visit together. (But please no kids. I’m weak and my immune system is weak. As much as we love children, adding noise, germs, clutter, and chaos would not be helpful during this season.) Last week some friends of ours came together to visit us. While my friend was helping our young daughter get ready for bed, her husband and my husband were clearing up the table and loading the dishwasher. Somehow the conversation turned to swapping stories about speeding tickets, which caused the two men to start cracking up! Hearing my husband’s laughter, his genuine joy for the first time in weeks – possibly months – was such a priceless sound!
He is the Rock in our family. But he is doing too much, and he has been doing much of it alone. He is wearing himself out, carrying burdens that are too heavy for him. He needs able men, men who fear God, men who are trustworthy to come alongside him and help him. To bear the burden with him. To help him endure.
To his co-workers, to the men at church, to his friends . . . thank you to the many people who are supporting our Rock!!
NOTE:. Ever since my cancer diagnosis, our Rock has been so supportive of me, loving me and caring for me in so many ways. A few nights ago, a friend offered to stay with me so that he could attend our Small Group. To my surprise, he immediately said yes! I realized that perhaps he has not been going out, not participating in his hobbies, not getting together with friends for coffee, because he doesn’t want to leave me home alone. On the days when the chemo symptoms are particularly harsh, I can barely make it out of bed, much less care for the kids! So please, extend the invitations to him, recognizing that he may be more likely to say yes if there is someone (a spouse, maybe?) who could stay with me and the kids while he goes out.
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