I’m seven, he offers, before the question is
even asked. He looks the receptionist right in the eye and instantly attracts
her full attention.
His
personality can only be described as BIG!
He walks into a church or a building or a doctor’s office or a store or
a friend’s house or the neighborhood playground, and the atmosphere instantly becomes
alive. Children and adults alike can’t
help but be drawn to his bright smile, his expansive nature, and his quick wit.
The word “shy” is simply not a part of
his vocabulary.
His
charisma is partly a God-given gift, an instinctual interest in people and the ability
to engage them. And it is partly the
result of his early childhood experiences, when he learned that “survival of
the fittest” means being the most charming kid in the room in order to get the
attention and care that he needs. Regardless
of how he acquired this congenial temperament, it is impossible not to adore
him within minutes of meeting him. Every
person he meets, he believes, has the potential to become his next best friend.
And therein
lies the challenge. As he often hears from
adults everywhere he goes, the woman at the desk croons, Oh, I just love you! While her comment is innocent and well-intentioned,
it is nothing short of confusing to a child who accepts statements at face
value. Oh, I just love you! means, quite literally, the same thing that his
closest family members mean when we tell him how much we love him. My mom loves
me . . . this nice lady at the doctor’s office that I just met two minutes ago
loves me.
How can we help
him to know the difference? To discern
that one statement of “love” is a spontaneous emotional word that means I have a feeling of fondness for you at this
moment, and the other statement of love means I am fully committed to you for the rest of my life. This is a distinction that is imperative for him
to learn – not just now while he is young and adorable, but a lesson that he
will carry into adulthood, when he is a grown man navigating the world of friendships
and intimate relationships. Then, more
than ever, he will need to understand that love is not just a word. It’s not something we say; it is something we do. Our actions are what prove the words
true. Love works.
We know love by this, that He laid down His life for us; and we ought to
lay down our lives for the brethren. Little
children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth.
1 John 3:16, 18
What’s your name, he asks her without hesitation? What
are you doing? Can I work here too? He makes himself at home behind the counter, pretending
to type on the computer and answer the phone.
The other members of the office staff, who would normally declare their
work area off-limits to small children, think his antics are hilarious. I cringe, knowing exactly what one of these
nice ladies will inevitably say: Oh, I just wanna take you home with me!
How could these
kind individuals possibly know the turmoil and anxiety that these kinds of remarks
can cause in the hearts of children like him?
Children who have known uncertainty and instability? Who have experienced the profound loss of a
parent who was never supposed to leave? The pain of loneliness and fear in the darkest nights, with no comforting arms to hold them?
When he
hears that she wants to take him home with her, he . . . well, he believes
her. He assumes that she really means
it. That he can just take her hand, walk
out to her car, and then will become her son.
I know this, because I know him. He is the child who sits on strangers’
laps. The one who takes their hands and
lets them pick him up. Even though he is
much too old for such things, his small stature lets him get away with it. When he is visiting my friend at her house one
day, he asks, in all seriousness, are you
going to be my family now?
He is the
boy who, despite being adopted into our family three years ago, still doesn’t
quite believe that he isn’t going to leave.
Last year his teacher at school sent a note home with the students,
asking them to bring in a favorite blanket for afternoon rest times. A benign request that Kindergarten teachers
everywhere are inclined to make. I
packed his little blanket into his backpack without a second thought.
In the car
the next morning, he started crying hysterically, I don’t want to go to school!
Please don’t make me go! Tears streaming down his face. I was completely puzzled. He loved school and always looked forward to
going! I asked, over and over again, What’s wrong, honey? Why don’t you want to go? Can you tell me why you’re crying? He never could. What six-year old would be able to clearly
articulate the inner workings of such complex emotions? I ended up half-carrying him to his class,
where his teacher tried, nearly in vain, to coax him inside.
When I went
to pick him up later in the day, he was surprised to see me. You
came back! he announced, wrapping his little arms tightly around my
neck. Of course I came back, Honey!
Why wouldn’t I? He looked at
me as if I was silly not to see the most obvious thing in the world: Because,
he explained, you packed my blanket. Who knew that helping a child understand the permanent
love of a family could be so messy?
So now, here
at the doctor’s office, he is hearing a sweet woman say that she wants to take
him home with her. Before the
conversation goes any further, before he has a chance to really comprehend what
she just said, I interject light-heartedly, There
are lots more where he came from! It’s
my subtle way of saying, I think, that this is my son. He already has a family. He’s not free for the taking.
I think it’s
also a not-so-subtle hint. A slight admonition, reminding everyone within
earshot that there are tens of thousands of children just like him – or rather,
like he used to be – children who are stuck in the foster care system just waiting
for someone to love them. For someone to
really take them home. Not just to
say the words to a cute kid when he is being charming, but to really mean
it. To demonstrate true love by filling
out the applications, taking the classes, getting the background checks. By rearranging the bedroom furniture and installing
the car seat and assembling the swing set.
By making the commitment. Love doesn’t
say, I would take you home with me. Love actually does it!
But whoever has the world’s goods, and sees his brother in need and
closes his heart against him, how does the love of God abide in him? – 1 John
3:17
I put my
hand protectively on my son’s shoulder while steering him towards the door. Out the door towards our car, which will take
him to our home where he lives with our family.
With his family. With the family who has opened their heart to
him and who, every minute of every day, shows
love to him: working hard to provide for
his needs, teaching him how to ride a bike, training him to be responsible, reading
to him, buying clothes for his growing body, tucking him into bed at night,
getting him the medical attention he needs.
Praying for him, training him to be respectful, molding and shaping his
character, teaching him about the One who loves him most.
Here’s what
love is: Love keeps going. Not just today. Not just when he’s cute and charming and funny. Not just when we feel affectionate and warm and tender. Love gives and serves and sacrifices. And when our energy is depleted and he is
being disrespectful and disobedient and we’ve given all we have to give . . .
we do it again.
And hopefully
some day, when he has seen this love in action over and over again, when he
eventually begins to understand that love is so much more than words from a
stranger, then he will be the one to
give love in return. He will be able to
fully enjoy strong, healthy, mutual, faithful connections with the people God
brings into his life. He will know what
it means to be a man who gives of himself for the people who are important to
him.
He will
know, with settled assurance, that love works.
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