She’s not that sweet
baby girl you once knew. Somehow, when
you weren’t looking, she grew up. And in
spite of 18 years of your very best parenting and your most fervent prayers and
your consistent love and nurture and training, somewhere along the way she
chose a different path. A dangerous path
that has left you frightened and anxious about her future.
When you look at her
piercings (27 at last count), black eye make-up, and dyed hair that covers most
of her face, you barely recognize her. Who
is this person sitting on your front porch sharing a cigarette with her tattooed
boyfriend? How can this young lady with
the slumped shoulders and bony ribs possibly be the same girl you once tenderly
rocked to sleep?
This is perhaps the
most difficult path that you have ever been asked to take. It requires more faith than you think you
have. What are you supposed to do
now? Does she need “tough love,” where
you lay down the law, keep the standard high, and accept nothing less? Or does she need grace and acceptance and
unconditional love? Do you let her live
with you while she struggles to find her way, or, since she has chosen such an
immoral and self-destructive lifestyle, do you make her leave your home and
find a new place to live? There are no
easy answers. Or rather, so many
possible answers! How do you know which
one is right?
First of all, ask
yourself, what has God called you to
do? Has He called you to raise a godly
child, or has He called you to be a godly parent? Is He asking that you force her to walk in
faith, or is He asking you to walk in
faith? Regardless of the choices that she
is making, you can choose to continue
trusting in the One who has called you to this journey. Just as you are learning to trust Him during
the difficulties that you never imagined you would face, your precious child
will need to learn the same thing. In
her own way, in her own time.
Secondly, what if she
wasn’t your child? What if she was the
daughter of your best friend? Or your
neighbor’s child? Or a young co-worker
who you see every day. Would you be devastated
by her choices? Would her struggles
cause you to lose your faith? Would you
be so heartbroken by her lifestyle that you would be unable to love her? Would you give up all hope? Of course not! If she was anyone else’s child, you would
love and extend and reach out and give and serve at every available moment. You would be thankful that the Lord brought her into your life and allowed you
to be a part of her story. You would be
honored to be the one to share His love with her!
Unfortunately, there
have been so many painful interactions the past few months – even years. You make the effort to spend time with her
and remind her of the Truth, but the talks don’t go well. The discussions invariably end in shouting,
slammed doors, and injured feelings. Any connection that might have been there
before is even more damaged. Why do you
even try to talk to her?
As much as you hate
to admit it, she doesn’t need another lecture. She doesn’t need to be
reminded of her sinful lifestyle. As if God is thinking, I sure do wish that parent would have nagged
a little more. Been just a little more preachy. After being raised in a home where God’s Word
has always been revered, and where godliness has consistently been modeled, she
knows the truth. It is not your
job to keep reminding her of the error of her ways. It is not your job to convict her of sin.
The Lord is perfectly capable and powerful enough to reach her heart and
open her eyes.
So if you don’t
confront her, if you don’t challenge her sinful lifestyle and shameful choices,
what can you say? What can you do? She will be reached, I truly believe, through your
continuing, unending, unconditional, persevering love. When you have no answers, and when you wish fervently that
you had more wisdom, err on the side of love.
Love never fails (1
Corinthians 13:8). If you have all the
right answers and know the right words to say and have all the right Bible
verses memorized; if you have all wisdom but do not have love, you are, I’m
sorry to say, a clanging cymbal (I Corinthians 13:1-2). May all your
words, actions, facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language let her
know that she is loved!
As much as it is
within your power, may your home be a place where she longs to be! Where
she knows that she is always welcome! Where she knows she can always
return when she finally gives her heart and life to the Lord.
Does it mean
celebrating her sinful lifestyle? Of course not! In the darkness of
your bedroom in the middle of the night, there will be tears streaming down
your face as you doubt that your faith is strong enough for this. As you watch your hope diminish with every
choice she makes. As you cry out to the
Lord to please, please save her! To
please don’t give up pursuing her! Yes, she is breaking your heart into
thousands of pieces, but reminding her of that isn’t going to change her.
The goal of every
face to face interaction with her should be to shower her with God’s love!
You can look for opportunities!
Cook her favorite meals. Send texts and e-mails saying “thinking of
you.” Ask, “How are you doing?” and then really listen. Ask
yourself, if the tables were turned and you were living in sin, would you want
to constantly be looking into the eyes of judgement? Or would you want to
be like the prodigal son, who sees the loving Father? The loving Father who is daily searching the
horizon with eyes full of hope?
It is the Lord’s kindness that leads us to repentance
(Romans 2:4), and it should absolutely be the same with you. Who knows?
It very well could be your kindness, not your judgement, that leads your
precious daughter to repentance!
This is such a hard,
challenging, heart-breaking path. But you can walk it with your head held
high and your heart full of unwavering faith. You can be fully secure in
the knowledge that He loves your
child even more than you do! That He is
the One who is writing the story that is still being written.
You cannot save her.
You cannot force her to walk in faith.
You can, however, love her. You
can love and extend and reach out and give and serve at every available moment. You can be thankful that the Lord brought her
into your life, allowing you to be a part of her story. Honored to be the one to share His love with her!
Love
always . . . hopes,
always
perseveres.
And now these three
remain:
Faith, Hope
and Love.
But the greatest of these is love.
Love never
fails.
1
Corinthians 13
Amen, Belinda! So glad you have shared these wise words! So many times parents are sold the opposite narrative and instead of bringing their children back, it drives them further away!
ReplyDeleteThere are no easy answers, and every situation is different. However, I truly believe that "when you have no answers, and when you wish fervently that you had more wisdom, err on the side of love."
DeleteWow, this is so good and needed for so many parents ❤️
ReplyDeleteThank you, Belinda, for once again pointing us to God's truth in our moments of anguish and doubt. I can scarcely imagine a finer example of Matt 5:14-16. Love you guys and all that you do!
ReplyDelete