Before You Say Yes

Here it is!  The Call you have been waiting for!  Months and months ago, you finally made the courageous decision to open your home to a foster child, and now the plans are becoming a reality.  You attended the required training classes, completed the dozens of documents, answered all the questionnaires, proven that you do not have a criminal background, and have shown that your home is safe.  You are ready to say yes!

The “yes” part is easy.  And exciting!  And, oh so tempting after all the preparations and dreaming of what it will be like to care for a child who needs you.

However . . before you are too quick to agree to open your doors and your heart to this one who will undoubtedly change your life in ways you cannot imagine, here are some questions you might want to consider asking . . .

How old is he?  Might as well start with the easy questions, right?  Hopefully, this is something you have discussed with your family and with your licensing worker.  What child will fit best with your family?  What will the sleeping arrangements look like?  Some parents can’t wait to love on babies, while others are great at connecting with teens.  Maybe you are hoping that a foster child will be around the same age as the other children in your home. 

When The Call comes, you may go ahead and decide to expand the age range you had originally considered.  You might be unexpectedly surprised at how perfectly it all fits together.  But if there are doubts, or if you had good reasons for setting age limits in the first place, don’t let the emotions of The Call or any pressure from the Placement Coordinator cause you to say yes to a decision you might later regret.

Why is she in foster care?   There is a wealth of information today on how neglect, abuse, trauma, and prenatal exposure to drugs and alcohol can have life-long effects on a child’s developing brain.  Knowing right from the very beginning what you might expect will help prevent countless hours of parenting mistakes, disappointments and frustrations.

If she is old enough to have memories of what happened to her, she may want to talk about it.  Or ask about it.  Or cry about it.  Knowing her story ahead of time will help tremendously during these future interactions.  When she talks about a certain person or a past event or a partial memory of something that happened to her, you will have some context.

This question will be asked over and over again during a child’s placement with you:  Why is she is in foster care?  At school meetings, doctor’s offices, development evaluations, therapy sessions.  Knowing even the basics of her history will benefit you and any professionals who are involved. 

(Note: It’s her story, and hers alone.  Neighbors, friends, and even relatives do not need to know the gritty details of her life before she came to live with you.  This information is for you, for any professionals who need to know, and some day, when she is old enough to understand, this information is for her.  She gets choose who she wants to share it with.)

Does he have contact with her biological family?  Is the goal reunification?  Are there relatives who are interested in kinship placement?  These are some important questions to ask before you say yes.  Ongoing contact with family members may cause the child to have frequent anxiety, and may bring up painful memories of past abuse.  Everyone’s roles may be confused and even overlap.  You may find yourself sharing parenting responsibilities with someone whose parenting style you disapprove of.  And maybe helping a child you have grown to love be reunified with a parent that you don’t like.   At a minimum, if there are court-ordered visits with family members, you may be responsible for providing transportation to the social worker’s office every week.  Know what to expect.

If she is being moved from another foster home, why?  You might want to request to talk to the previous foster parents.  They will be the most knowledgeable about the child’s temperament, any behavioral concerns, and the real reason why the child is being moved. 

Be realistic about this.  If she was having problems in another family, how is your family different?  Do not automatically assume that you will be able to meet her needs or connect with her in a way that another family was not able to.  It’s easy to say, It won’t happen to me . . . until it does.

However, maybe you do have a completely different home environment than her previous foster home.  Maybe you do have more experience or are particularly gifted to reach a troubled child.  It would be wonderful for her to find in your home the healing and love that she so desperately needs!

Does he have any known behavioral problems?  Experienced foster parents and those who are new (or have never had children before) will have vastly different capacities for dealing with behavior problems.  What might be shocking to one parent – a young child who says the f-word, for example – to another parent might be just a day in the life.  Redirect and move on.

The other children in the home will be a determining factor as well.  If a foster child has violent outbursts or sexualized behaviors, placing him in a home with young children is a tragedy waiting to happen.  It’s asking for a future disruption and years of therapy for everyone. 

On the other hand, there is no perfect child, just as there is no perfect parent.  There will be bad habits that need to be broken, new personalities and routines to adjust to (on both sides), and general juvenile behavior that will require correction and training.  And most likely, he will be dealing with loss and confusion and anxiety.  Be prepared for general childish misbehavior, of course, but if there is anything extreme and unmanageable, it might be reason to proceed with caution.

What about learning disabilities?  It’s quite common for foster children to have learning disabilities or to be functioning well below grade level.  Their developing brain may have been affected by neo-natal or early childhood trauma.  Or it could be that living in a chaotic environment, missing school, or multiple changes in schools have caused him to fall further and further behind.  It’s only fair to ask yourself if you have the time and resources to attend school meetings, work with tutors, and spend every weekday evening helping with homework.

Any medical needs?  What kind of specialists does the child see?  What medications does she require?   The answers to this question may mean doing a little research on diagnoses you have never heard of before.  Or asking to speak with the child’s medical professional to help you understand her condition.  (Some hospitals require this before discharging a medically-fragile child into your care.)  Again, this is something you will need to ask yourself . . . Are you able to take time off work to take her to numerous medical appointments?  Are you qualified (or willing to learn) to use her medical or adaptive equipment?  If you have other children in your home, how will you balance caring for them if your new foster child requires multiple surgeries or extended hospital stays?

Allergies?  This seems like such a minor thing, but it would be heartbreaking to remove a foster child from your home simply because he is allergic to your family’s pets.  Or if there are life-threatening allergies, like to bee stings or peanuts, you may need to learn how to use an EpiPen. 

If this is the first time that the child has been taken into protective custody, a lot of information may simply not be known.  The Intake Coordinator may not know much beyond the police report from 30 minutes ago.  But ask her to find out as many details as possible, so that you can make an informed decision before agreeing to the placement.

As much as you can, ask lots of questions and be honest with yourself about the answers.  Know your and your family’s strengths and weaknesses.  Find the courage to accept a challenge, but be humble enough to admit your limitations.  There may be times you need to say no. 

Then again, This Call might be the one.  The one that introduces you to the child who will expand your heart and change your life.  And because you’ve asked the questions and gathered all the available information, you can move forward with confidence and realistic expectations.  You are now ready to say yes!