Connect: How Professionals Can Promote Stability

I just want to quit!!   Even if those exact words have never escaped our lips, many foster parents have certainly thought them!  And even if we haven’t thought about giving up our foster license altogether, we have certainly thought about giving up on a certain foster child in our home.

Of course we know that children need the love and nurture of our families.  Their health and development and very future depends on the stability of their placement with us.  We’ve read the statistics and seen the study results, confirming that moving children multiple times throughout their foster care journey can have serious long-term impact on their future success. (1)

We hate disruptions. (2)  It’s tragic when children are uprooted.  Forced to transition to new communities.  Adapt to new schools.  They lose touch with relatives, and tragically, are separated from siblings.  They learn that it’s normal to say goodbye.

But what can we do when we want to quit?  When our endurance is depleted and we don’t feel like we can take another step?

Or more specifically, the question might be asked, what can Child Welfare Professionals do? (3)  This is the question asked at countless staff meetings and during federally-funded research projects and through state-wide initiatives. You have devoted your careers to serving these children, and it’s heartbreaking when their placements are disrupted again and again and again.  How can you improve placement security for these precious foster children you serve?  How can you turn multiple disruptions into long-term stability?

RECEIVE

We don’t know what we don’t know.  How could we possibly anticipate the needs and behaviors and challenges that will arrive at our front door when that first foster child is placed?  Licensing Specialists, please ensure that we receive quality pre- and post-placement training, which absolutely should include an understanding of how trauma affects a child’s behavior and development.  It should at least mention the possibility that the foster children in our home may have difficulty attaching, and what that might look like.

Most (maybe all) states have this requirement, but it’s one thing to attend a class; it’s another thing entirely to truly understand what welcoming an abused and neglected child into our homes will look like.  We need to receive practical tools for raising children from hard places. (4)  To hear from experienced foster parents.  To have access to books and other resources that properly prepare us for this role.  Being well-equipped is one of the best ways for us to have realistic expectations . . . which may make us less likely to disrupt a placement or quit altogether.

  

Placement Coordinators, before placing a child in “an available bed” that we might have, please ensure that we receive all the information that is available about the child.  You might even give us a list of questions to ask the social worker, doctors, or other professionals involved before agreeing to the placement.  Prior knowledge can prevent future heartache.

Placement Coordinators, your personal connections with your foster families is key to preventing future disruptions.  Know our strengths, weaknesses, personal preferences and experiences.  Every child has potential just waiting to be reached.  Serve him well by making every effort to connect him with compatible foster parents who can help him thrive.

BELIEVE 

Foster parents are on the front lines.  Sitting in front row seats to our foster children’s stories as they unfold.  Because we live with these children 24/7, we are in a unique position to notice behaviors and patterns and habits that the child welfare professionals on the case may not see.

When we tell our case managers, social workers, or guardian ad litems about our concerns, please believe us!  When we tell you about the 3-year old in our home who frequently says the F-word, why would we make that up?  When we notice that our new little girl has sexual knowledge way beyond her years, shouldn’t you make note of that?  When we encounter an inappropriate interaction with birth parents.  When we notice negligent or unjust actions of a professional involved.  When we admit that we are exhausted and overwhelmed.  Some of us are hesitant to speak up, and when we do, please listen, and please acknowledge the importance of our words.

We need you to take our observations and uncertainties seriously, without being dismissive or condescending.  At the first sign of trouble, the questions you should be asking us is, What can I do to help?  What do you need?  The problems need to be addressed immediately when they arise.  Once we ask for a child to be moved, it might be too late to salvage the placement.

Here’s the thing though.  Foster children are not the only ones who need continuity and stability.  So do foster parents!  It can be disheartening to have multiple social workers during a child’s placement with us, and with each new worker assigned to our child’s case, we trust just a little bit less.  Each staff transition feels like starting all over again.  Why would we confess our struggles to someone who doesn’t know anything about us or the children in our home? 

Do Child Protection Agencies want to reduce the number of disruptions for the children they serve?  Perhaps if you could focus on recruiting, training, and retaining excellent child welfare professionals – people who stay! - the connection between your staff and your foster parents would deepen.  The mutual respect would grow.  We would feel more comfortable voicing our concerns, and if addressed early enough, perhaps those concerns could be resolved.  The children’s placements could be preserved.

RELIEVE

Welcoming a child into our home is a huge responsibility!  Not only are we caring for a child’s basic needs for food, clothing, shelter, and education, but we are managing behaviors we may have never seen before.  We are filling out paperwork and documentation.  We are requesting developmental evaluations; making appointments with doctors, specialists, dentists, and oral surgeons (you would not believe how many foster children come to us with oral decay!); registering for school; shopping for clothes, shoes, pajamas, underwear, and jackets; transporting him to visits with his parents; participating in treatment team meetings and court hearings; attending ongoing training classes to keep our license current.  This is in addition to holding down full-time jobs and caring for our homes and other family members.  It’s no wonder we so quickly become overwhelmed, exhausted, and burnt out.  Sometimes when we say, I just want to quit, what we really mean is, I can’t do this by myself.

Case Managers and Social Workers can help relieve some of these endless responsibilities by partnering with us.  You can let us know about resources and support groups in our community. You can provide transportation to visits.  You can help fill out medical paperwork and application packets for special education programs.  And when you attend the child's medical appointments, developmental evaluations, and school meetings yourself, you can hear first-hand from the professionals, instead of requiring us to take our time to send you updates.  It would feel more like a team effort.

You can offer recommendations for services our foster child needs.  When the foster child in our home needs counseling, for example, this may be something new foster parents know nothing about.  Where do we find a good therapist in our town?  Google?  Wouldn’t it be so much better if our Social Worker could offer a first-hand recommendation based on personal connections?

This is, again, why it is so important to focus resources on retaining capable and competent Child Welfare Professionals.  As you gain experience, you gain wisdom and can offer sound advice.  The longer you serve in your role, the more contacts you have and the more community resources you know about.

You are in a unique position because you know other foster families who might be in similar situations.  Can you connect us with each other?  Surely my foster child isn’t the first one to navigate the maze of the special education system in our county school system.  Perhaps there is a foster parent who has just brought a baby home from the hospital, and is struggling through those middle-of-the-night withdrawals.  I might have some words of wisdom and some practical suggestions based on my experience.  Connecting us with each other can make our foster care journey seem less confusing, and daunting, and complicated. 

And most importantly, you can relieve some of the crushing weight by simply asking – often!! - What can I do to help?  What do you need?

REPRIEVE  

As much as we hate to admit it, foster parents are not invincible.  Sometimes when we cry, I just want to quit! what we really mean is, I just need a break!

Child Welfare Agencies would be wise to recruit and train respite care providers.  People who are willing to partner with us to provide our children with a safe, structured environment from time to time.  We so desperately need time, not only to rest and recharge, but to give some much-needed attention to the other not-so-needy children in our home. 

We cannot always assume that our friends and family and “regular” babysitters are knowledgeable enough about our child’s needs to provide them with the appropriate care.  Their good intentions to connect with our foster child, for example, may inadvertently undermine any fragile attachments that we have worked so hard to build.  And at a minimum, a change in routine can be so upsetting to a child who has trouble self-regulating.  If we do need someone to watch our children for a few days, it’s imperative that the care givers know us and our family, and are willing to partner with us.

Do you want to preserve these children’s foster placements?  Please, we ask that you do everything you can to connect us with qualified respite providers. 

GRIEVE

Sometimes, no matter how much we wish the circumstances could be different, a foster child moves.  Sometimes he is reunified with a parent or goes to live with a relative.  Sometimes, for a variety of reasons, he is moved to a different foster home.  No matter the reason for the child leaving, child welfare professionals should understand that we need time to grieve. 

We knew going into it that the placement would be temporary.  Foster care, by very definition, is temporary.  We may be feeling guilt that we weren’t as strong as we thought we were.  We may be feeling disappointment that we didn’t make as much of a difference in that child’s life as we had hoped.  If the move was our choice, we feel the full emotional weight of it.  And if the move was not our choice, we may be feeling anger that the courts made a decision that we did not agree with.  Regardless of the circumstances, please understand that we grieve the loss.

However, the end of a child’s placement with us does not necessarily mean the end of our foster care journey.  Perhaps the social worker or case manager could be a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on.  Perhaps you could write a note of encouragement or say thank you.  When we have that personal connection with even one professional in the system, it could mean the difference between giving up altogether, or finding the courage to say yes again.  To welcome the next child who needs the love and stability of our home. 

ACHIEVE

Child welfare professionals, you have within your power to help achieve stability for the foster children you serve.  The key is to build connections!  Sometimes the only thing standing between us quitting and persevering is one supportive professional.  Sometimes when we cry, I just want to quit! what we really mean is, I just want someone to understand!

Be the one who takes the time to connect with us.  The one who connects us with children who fit into our family.  The one who connects us with resources in our community and with other foster parents who are on the same journey.  The one who encourages us to press on. 

Be the one who asks regularly, What can I do to help? What do you need? 

Together, with that connection, we can achieve stability.

1.    Foster children who “age out” of foster care without the permanency of a family are much more likely to experience homelessness, crime, proverty, substance abuse, and unplanned pregnancy.  www.adoptioninstitute.org/news/the-importance-of-home-permanency-for-foster-child-development/

2.    According to a recent report in a nearby county in my state, “some children are shuffled to 15 or more foster homes before they are adopted or age out of the system.”  15 times?!  When we say that children do better in families, what we need to clarify is that children do better in stable, consistent, permanent (or at least long-term) families!  www.fayobserver.com/news/20170925/cumberland-county-has-most-foster-kids-in-nc-nearly-900

3.    Child Welfare Professionals include a wide range of positions including CPS (child protective services) investigators, placement and intake coordinators, social workers, licensing and training specialists, agency case managers, clinical specialists, child advocate attorneys, and guardian ad litems.   Because the roles sometimes overlap, I use the general term “child welfare professionals.”

4.    A valuable resource for anyone who works with children from hard places is the Empowered to Connect conference and simulcast.