Walking in the Rain

The first hint of worry about the impending storm surfaced in my heart, but I ignored it, convinced that I could weather it just fine.  After all, I was confident and capable.  It would take more than a little rain cloud to quench my faith.

The rain began, innocently enough, with tiny droplets of water, only a light mist of disappointments.  Not all that concerning.  But then the rain began in earnest, quickly drenching me completely.  A foster child so traumatized and damaged, that my very best efforts were utterly unable to help him heal.  A dreaded medical diagnosis that taught me what it means to truly fear.  A grown child who has chosen a different path, leaving me shocked and devastated, sobbing into my pillow at night, wondering what went wrong.   It wasn’t long before the light sprinkles became a steady downpour, a deluge of wind and driving rain, and I could no longer pretend that my faith was strong.

God, if You are even listening at all, why have You led me to this dark and lonely place?  My faith is so weak!  And if I’m deeply honest, I’m pretty sure I might be losing my faith altogether.  You promise that You will work all things together for good, but how can this, this downpour, be for my good?   I have cried out to You again and again to please help me be strong, and yet day after day, year after year, You remain silent.

This journey has indeed tested my faith almost to the breaking point.  I have been discouraged so many times, disappointed in myself that the trials of this journey have proven – to me and to everyone who knows me - that my faith is not very strong at all!

But what option do I have?  Give up?  Hide?  Do nothing?  Let the darkness win?  If I did that, what would I say?  Sorry, I can’t serve you today; it’s raining.  Sorry, I can see that you are drowning, but I can’t help you into the lifeboat; I’m too discouraged.  Of course not!  I think of King David who described his "downcast" soul and the tears that soaked his pillow.  Clearly he walked in the rain, and yet God called him - and equipped him - to rule an entire nation!

But how?  How can I keep loving the children the Lord has brought into our family?  How can I keep ministering to the least of these?  How can I keep serving and giving and doing?  How can I keep walking in the rain?  

 The TESTING OF YOUR FAITH

produces steadfastness."

(James 1:3).

It’s true that my faith has been tested almost to the breaking point.  I have cried and questioned and doubted and almost despaired.  But guess what?   My faith didn’t break!  The truth is, God is not testing me.  He already knows how weak I am.  He knew that from the beginning.  He remembers that I am but dust (Psalm 103:14).  I shouldn’t be saying that my faith is weak.  The truth is, I am so weak!  Which He already knows.  

So the purpose of the rain – the discouragements and disappointments and difficulties - is not to test me, it is to test my faith!  It is to show me what He already knows - that my faith will stand the test.  He already knows that my faith will remain strong.  He wants me to know it as well.

Because here’s the thing about faith.  Faith is a gift from God to begin with (Ephesians 2:8).  I didn’t earn it or deserve it or work hard for it.  He gave it to me.  And from the very beginning, He already knew what an amazing gift it is.  

It’s like when my husband bought me my first iPhone.  I was grateful for it, sure, but I was a little unsure of how to use it.  I didn’t really understand how it worked.  But when he showed me all the buttons and apps, all the cool things I could use it for, then I knew.  I understood how amazing it is!  As I started to use it more, I began to treasure it, and before long, I couldn’t imagine living without it! 

Faith is the same way.  How would I have understood how amazing this gift of faith is, had God not shown me how to use it?  Had He not proven how strong it is?  How could I have appreciated the magnitude of it, had I not seen for myself that it does indeed hold firm during the worst downpours I could have imagined?

Blessed is the man who

REMAINS STEADFAST under trial,

for when he has STOOD the test

he will receive the crown of life,

which God has promised to those who love Him.

(James 1:12).

When the rain is pouring over me, soaking my hair and drenching my face, God is not necessarily asking me to be stronger or fight harder.  And He is certainly not asking me to run, hide, give up, do nothing. 

He is asking me to stand.  To remain steadfast.  To ask for wisdom (James 1:6).  To keep walking, to keep moving forward, even during the fiercest storms, faithfully pressing forward in the good works that He has called me to do (James 1:25).  To hold the faith (James 2:1).  To be patient.  To establish my heart until the coming of the Lord (James 5:8).  

These deluges certainly don’t bring joy in and of themselves.  Ugh!  They are painful and heartbreaking and they do indeed test my faith to the very limit!  But when I hold on to that faith, the faith that He has given me, I can stand.  I can remain steadfast.

The testing of your faith produces steadfastness.

And let steadfastness have its full effect,

that you may be perfect and complete,

LACKING IN NOTHING.

-       James 1:2-4

As my faith is tested - and continues to stand firm - I understand more and more that I truly do lack nothing!  He has already given me everything I need for a godly life (2 Peter 1:3).  He has given me so many great and precious promises (2 Peter 1:4), and He has given me the faith to believe that those promises are true!

He has given me everything I need to accomplish this task that He has called me to.  To continue to love the children the Lord has brought into our family.  To continue to minister to the least of these.  To continue to serve and give and do.

He has given me everything I need to walk in the rain.