The
first hint of worry about the impending storm surfaced in my heart, but I
ignored it, convinced that I could weather it just fine. After all,
I was confident and capable. It would take more than a little rain
cloud to quench my faith.
The rain
began, innocently enough, with tiny droplets of water, only a light mist of
disappointments. Not all that concerning. But then the rain began in earnest, quickly drenching
me completely. A foster child so traumatized and damaged, that my very
best efforts were utterly unable to help him heal. A dreaded medical diagnosis that taught me
what it means to truly fear. A grown child
who has chosen a different path, leaving me shocked and devastated, sobbing
into my pillow at night, wondering what went wrong. It wasn’t
long before the light sprinkles became a steady downpour, a deluge of wind and
driving rain, and I could no longer pretend that my faith was strong.
God, if You are even listening at all, why
have You led me to this dark and lonely place? My faith is so
weak! And if I’m deeply honest, I’m
pretty sure I might be losing my faith altogether. You promise that You will work all things
together for good, but how can this, this downpour, be for my good?
I have cried out to You again and again to please help me be strong, and yet
day after day, year after year, You remain silent.
This journey
has indeed tested my faith almost to the breaking point. I have been discouraged so many times, disappointed
in myself that the trials of this journey have proven – to me and to everyone
who knows me - that my faith is not very strong at all!
But what
option do I have? Give up? Hide?
Do nothing? Let the darkness win?
If I did that, what would I say? Sorry, I
can’t serve you today; it’s raining. Sorry,
I can see that you are drowning, but I can’t help you into the lifeboat; I’m
too discouraged. Of course not! I think of King David who described his "downcast" soul and the tears that soaked his pillow. Clearly he walked in the rain, and yet God called him - and equipped him - to rule an entire nation!
But how? How can I keep loving the children the Lord has
brought into our family? How can I keep ministering to the least of these? How can
I keep serving and giving and doing? How
can I keep walking in the rain?
