When I reach
my hand into the mailbox and see the crisp white envelope with the county logo
in the corner, my heart, as it invariably does, skips a beat. Important news seems to always come with a
phone call or in a crisp white envelope.
I half hold my breath while I rip open the seal. As I read the document that had been
carefully folded inside, it takes a moment for my mind to catch up with my
eyes. Although I can read the words
quite clearly, I can not fully comprehend the enormity of their meaning. I cannot reconcile the harshness of the words
with you, my sweet little one, who are perched securely on my hip.
Mother’s whereabouts unknown.
At
first I am outraged. How could your
mother, the one who was supposed to love you forever, so carelessly abandon her
responsibilities? How could she bear to disappear
into a world that doesn’t include you in it?
How could she walk away from such an amazing child? Such a precious gift?
But I
am also saddened. I grieve for this
young woman who gave birth to you. I
cannot imagine the choices and circumstances and steps that led her to this
point. My heart breaks when I think that
she could feel so wrecked, so trapped in her brokenness that she could see no
other option except to leave.
I am so
sorry for everything she is missing in her absence: your beautiful smile and your funny baby words
and your wild hair that will not be contained and your tight squeezes around my
neck. I am sad that she is not here to
witness your first tentative steps.
Most of
all, it grieves me to think that because of her choices, because of her
destructive relationships and deadly habits, it means that you, my sweet one,
do not have the permanence and stability and security that every child deserve.
I
honestly don’t know what the future holds for you. Right now your case is sort of stuck in a
broken system with overworked social workers who quit without warning. With weary judges, their courtroom dockets so
overscheduled that they can’t possibly hear every case before them. With continuances and cancellations and
paperwork that gets buried underneath the more pressing, urgent concerns that
demand immediate attention.
Meanwhile,
while we wait for the wheels of bureaucracy to move, here you are, safely
tucked into my arms, my heart positively overflowing with love for you. It is such an honor, such a true joy to be
your source of security and comfort during these formative years when you are
learning and growing and discovering. I
may not understand or even like the foster system,
but how truly privileged I am to be your foster mother during this priceless time of your childhood!
No
matter where your journey leads – whether remaining in a flawed foster care system
or becoming a permanent part of our family through adoption or miraculously
being reunited with your restored birth parents – you can be sure that your
Heavenly Father has already planned the path before you. He knew you
even before you were born. He sees you
today, this very moment as you are just beginning to explore the world around
you. And He already knows each step you will
take into an unknown tomorrow. How fervently
I pray that yours is a path of hope and joy and true love and abundant life!
Today you
are much too young to possibly understand what those three bitter words
mean: Mother’s whereabouts unknown.
But some day you will realize the truth.
You will be old enough to wonder. How?
Why? Where? I so wish there was a way I could protect you
from those words! To preserve your
innocence. To so lavish you with love
and connection and security that those three words will lose their sting.
I am
not naïve. I do know that, unfortunately,
the day will come. As you mature and
grow, the day will come when you will face the harsh realities of a broken
world where mothers inexplicably leave.
And in those moments of doubt and confusion and questions, I hope and
pray that you remember this most important of truths from your Heavenly Father .
. .
Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget, I will not forget you!
– Isaiah 49:15
Regardless
of the circumstances of your birth, in spite of the unknown whereabouts of your
mother and the uncertainty of your future, know with absolute assurance that
your Heavenly Father will never forget you!
His love for you is steadfast and sure, and will never fail you.
In Psalm
136, we read the words His love endures
forever not once or twice or even three times. We are reminded that His love endures forever 26 times!
(I counted.) His love for you,
dearest one, is unwavering and constant, following you wherever you go. When you face doubts and heavy heartache, His
love for you will not have changed.
Through joys and difficult circumstances, through successes and
failures, through fulfilling relationships and crushing loneliness, know that His
relentless, enduring love will be right there inside you, persevering through
all of it.
You will
most likely take, on average, about 200 million steps during your
lifetime. When you think of your mother,
whereabouts unknown, some of those 200 million steps may feel more like faltering
gaits, filled with discouragement and feelings of rejection or despair. However, when you remember your Heavenly
Father’s unfailing love for you, many – hopefully most! - of those 200 million steps
will be brave strides, full of confidence and optimism and hope.
You
have a lifetime in front of you, little one.
A lifetime of unexpected twists and turns and maybe some crisp white
envelopes along the way. 200 million
steps! He has already prepared each one
of those steps for you. He will be there
with you wherever you go, guiding you and comforting you and encouraging
you. Forgiving you and empowering you
and giving you courage when you need it most.
Just
think . . . 200 million steps! And He
will be holding your hand through each one of them!
The Lord makes firm the steps
of the one who delights in Him;
though he may stumble, he will not fall,
for the Lord uphold him with His hand.
Psalm 37:23-24
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