Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts

October 12, 2019

Reluctant Warrior

There are many roles I have chosen for myself.  Roles I love.  I am a Christ-follower, a wife, a long-time foster and adoptive mother, a friend, a sister, a daughter, a homeschool teacher, a neighbor, a sign-language interpreter and a blogger.  But now, for the past few months, I have had another role thrown at me: a warrior.  Being a warrior is not a role I would have chosen for myself.  I did not voluntarily sign up for this.  I am unskilled, ill-equipped, and insecure at times, but a reluctant warrior nonetheless.

When I first heard the words cancer, rare, aggressive, incurable, stage 4, I naturally felt deep fear.  Terrified at the unknown future.  How long do I have left to live?  And how long will I still feel like me?  How long will I feel well and be able to take care of myself and take care of the two youngest children that God has brought into our family through adoption?  What will the symptoms be like as they worsen and progress?  What will it feel like when I am no longer able to speak or to swallow or to breathe on my own?  What if the pain becomes excruciating?  How will I bear it?

Suddenly, it felt like this little village that is my body was being attacked, under siege by a powerful enemy, and even if I could somehow defend myself from its progression, it would only be a matter of time before this evil conqueror would eventually prevail.

Sitting in the oncologist’s office that day, I felt weak and helpless, utterly at the mercy of the cold, clinical medical technology and what it would do to me.  I felt like a victim.  No choice, no voice, no power over the limited treatment options I was being offered, nor the dreadful side effects – both temporary and permanent – that would be left in their wake.  I felt a deep emptiness inside, knowing that my season of advocating for orphaned and vulnerable children, of caring for them and loving them in my home, was over.  Now, instead of foster mom, adoptive mom, speaker, advocate, mentor – roles I was passionate about - I was forced to become “cancer patient.”  And with every bone in my body, I hated it, grieving the loss of all that I had lost.

For several weeks after receiving my diagnosis, my heart was filled with fear and dread.  Uncertainty about which direction to take.  My husband and I spent countless hours researching and discussing options, praying for wisdom, weeping in grief and worry, seeking counsel.  For weeks I lost sleep, was unable to think of anything else, and was almost completely paralyzed with anxiety.  Not only did I have a physical enemy that was attacking my bodily health, but I had a mental enemy, every bit as detrimental, that was attacking my emotional health.  I couldn’t go on like this.

January 12, 2018

Poster Child

One day you sit back and take a good look at your life, and you are overcome with gratitude.  You suddenly realize that everything is almost picture-perfect.   Your home is orderly and organized, the clutter under control.  Your children are well-behaved and happy, not perfect of course, but generally manageable.  You are happy.  You have a predictable routine, wonderful friends, enjoyable hobbies, big dreams.  You are the poster child for a comfortable, cozy life.

And so you ask yourself, innocently enough, why not?  Why not share this beautiful life with a child in need?  There are so many forgotten children who do not have a family to call their own, why not share yours?  After all, you reason, you have a lot of love in your heart.  Wouldn’t it be amazing to be able to make a difference in someone else’s life?  To give someone else an opportunity to thrive?  To give someone else hope for the future?

It is not an easy decision.  You know, in the corners of your heart, that it will be difficult.  Life-changing, even.  Of course there will be an adjustment period.  Some getting used to.  But, you tell yourself, you are a fairly intelligent, competent, confident person.  How hard could it really be? 

And secretly you think, maybe you can become the poster child for this brave new thing.  If you can do it, maybe other people - your friends, others in your church, your contacts on social media – maybe they will follow your example and be inspired to do it too!

August 12, 2016

An Ordinary Day

It begins as just another ordinary day.  Well, as ordinary as a day can be in a Third World country.  The feral dogs roaming the streets had been barking most of the night, the sounds of their yelps and snarls freely entering the screenless windows, which are always open in hopes of catching the slightest breeze.  My eyes and throat feel scratchy from the smoke that lay heavy in the sticky humid air, smoke from the debris burning in the surrounding area.  What other options are there when there are piles of trash lining the streets, and no other way of disposing of it?
 
I carefully crawl out from underneath the net covering my bed, thankful for the protection it has provided during the night.  One of my strongest fears is becoming sick in a foreign country, so I protect myself as best as I can against mosquitos whose bites could infect me with malaria or Zika or other strange tropical diseases. 

Before joining the rest of our mission team for the day, I brush my teeth, remembering to use clean bottled water.  Although the guest house where we are staying does have running water, we have to be careful not to ingest it, knowing it could be contaminated with bacteria that would surely make us ill.  After being in Haiti for only a few days, and seeing the level of poverty all around me, I am thankful for running water at all.  And a bed.  And electricity.  In this country, those things I normally take for granted are pure luxuries!

We all pile into the back of the large truck, and venture out into the bustling city of Port-au-Prince.  Despite the early hour, the streets are already filled with vendors selling their bananas and water packets and suspicious-looking pharmaceuticals; goats and pigs and dogs rummaging through the debris; mothers lined up at the well, waiting to pump water into their buckets to use for cooking and bathing their children; adults and children carrying their belongings in large bins balanced perfectly on top of their heads; mounds of rubble and broken down buildings that remain, even though it’s been 6 years since the devastating earthquake that destroyed their city; and unbelievable traffic, cars and trucks and motorcycles and bicycles and colorful “tap-taps” erratically zipping in and out of imaginary lanes at dangerously high speeds, miraculously avoiding the brave pedestrians. 

At home in the U.S., if I need something, or even if I don’t, I simply drive my air-conditioned SUV through my tree-lined suburban neighborhood to the local super center.  A quiet, predictable journey there and back.  And if I use the self-checkout while I’m there, I may not ever speak to a single person. 

So here in Haiti my mind has trouble processing all of the sights and sounds and smells that are simultaneously assaulting my uninitiated senses.  It’s shocking and slightly traumatizing.  It’s almost impossible to imagine that for the people who live here, this mass of humanity is normal.  For them, this is another ordinary day.  A day of trying to survive.  Of trying to eek out a living and feed their families. (1)  Of living in constant danger of disease, crime, and exposure to the elements.
 
A few miles outside of the city we turn into a large gated property overlooking the gorgeous blue-green waters of the Caribbean Sea.  We are here to meet and serve alongside an amazing ministry that uses soccer as a tool to reach children and their families in the community.  

It makes sense, really . . . a few days ago we had interviewed over 150 children for a sponsorship program.  One of the questions we asked each child was, “What is your favorite activity?”  Every boy, without exception, had exactly the same answer:  Foutbòl!

I freely admit that I am not a sports fan.  As I often say, “I may have many talents, but athletic ability is not one of them.”  Fortunately, however, there are other ways to be involved today than just playing soccer.  In partnership with a world food organization, every child who participates in this sports ministry – all 1,300 of them! - is served a meal when they arrive.  

Equipped with a tiny “kitchen”, which is really just a free-standing building the size of a closet with no electricity or running water, a large pot, a  serving spoon, and an open fire, the cook prepares rice and beans for the children.

What a joy to serve bowls of food to these hungry children!  I’m sure their coaches reminded them as they stood in line, but almost every child, as I passed them their bowls said sincerely, Mèsi!  Thank you!  

When they were finished, they handed their bowls to the clean-up crew, who scraped, washed and rinsed the bowls in their basins of hand-pumped cold water.  The guys who scraped the remains had an easy job . . . most of those bowls were licked clean, with not one grain of rice remaining!

One teeny little guy with arms like twigs, had been brought via public transportation from a nearby orphanage.  The director there had practically begged this ministry to allow their children to participate, knowing that it would mean some nutritious food, exercise, and social interaction.  Earlier in the week our team had visited an orphanage, and saw first-hand that the only place to play outside was a small concrete courtyard, barely large enough for all of the children to stand, much less play.  Absolutely these orphaned children needed fresh air and room to run!  They were so small and under-nourished, however, that it would have been impossible to pair them with children their own age.  So the 8-10 year olds from the orphanage played on the team with the 4-6 year olds . . . and sadly, they fit right in!

So here is this little 9-year-old-the-size-of-a-4-year old, obviously one of the puny kids from the orphanage, standing in front of me asking for a bowl of food.  I know that his team has already come through the line, and I had been given strict instructions not to hand out second servings.  So I ask him, as gently as possible if he had eaten already.  T'ou manje deja?  He looks at me with total innocence and shakes his head no.  Unfortunately, the Haitian women serving alongside me notice the tell-tale pieces of rice still sticking to his lips, and begin to reprimand him – whether for coming through the line again or for lying, I don’t know.  I barely understand a word of Creole, but their tone is clear, and this little boy is in trouble.

He starts to cry, deep guttural sobs, and my daughter instinctively reaches to pick him up and comfort him, ignoring the tears and snot that are running down his face and onto her arm.  Shhhh, she whispers to him, rocking him and attempting to comfort him.  He just keeps crying, over and over again, Mwen grangou!  I’m hungry!

My whole life, I have heard of “all those starving children in the world,” but today I saw him.  I touched him and held him and saw his tears.  I saw his scrawny limbs and felt his bony ribs.  It was devastating!  Even if I could speak his language, however, what could I possibly say to this hungry little boy in front of me?  God loves you?  What does that even mean to a starving child?  Is it even true?

I thought I was coming on this mission trip to share the love of God with the people of Haiti.  I even told my friends and family that’s why we were going!  But now, I realize the naiveté of that goal.  Even if I could speak the language, how do I tell the woman with the black eye, most likely the result of domestic violence, All things work together for good?  What do I say to the young man who wants to be a doctor, but instead of going to school, he is practically illiterate because he spends his days helping his father care for their goats and tend their meager plot of land?(2)  Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart?

I hear a kid’s deep wracking cough that is most likely tuberculosis, but what can I do?  The hospitals are all closed because the doctors and nurses are on strike.  And even if medical care was available, the family can’t possibly afford the treatment.  And how would they get there anyway?  On their donkey?  Can I really judge his parents for taking their son to the witch doctor, who uses voodoo to “beat the illness from his body?”  What would I say them? God is good and has a wonderful plan for your life?

When we visited the orphanage a few days ago, I held an infant whose mother had died in childbirth, and whose father brought her to the orphanage with her umbilical cord still attached.  Utterly unwanted and abandoned. As I held that sweet baby, I never even considered malaria or Zika or typhoid or HIV.  All I could do was kiss her as tenderly as I would have my own child, and sing over and over into her tiny ear, Jezi renmen ou.  Jesus loves you.  I want her to know it and remember it and feel it.  

Unfortunately, I know the reality of her situation.  She will most likely spend years, if not her entire childhood, right there in that cold, impersonal orphanage. (3)  Without a family.  Without anyone to love her.  Without the security and attachment and hope that comes from having a mother and father who are fully committed to her.  Even if she remembers the words, how can she possibly understand Jezi renmen ou?  What does it mean to her?

In spite of the desperate, unimaginable hardships and the daily struggle for survival, God’s Word is still true.  I know it is!  His love is still real.  His promises are every bit as applicable for the destitute people in Haiti as they are for the affluent people in the United States.

If I could speak their Creole, or if these precious people of Haiti could understand my English, here is what I would say:

We are all broken, my friends.  It’s just that sometimes our brokenness looks different.  Your brokenness is visible and obvious and heartbreakingly transparent.  My brokenness, though I have perfected the art of hiding it, is every bit as tragic and painful.  I won’t pretend to understand what it is like to live in poverty, every day a struggle for survival.  But my life of privilege does not make me immune to brokenness.  I understand all too well what it means to live in darkness, paralyzed by fear and anxiety and guilt.  Trapped in my sin.

God is the Healer.  He is the One who can restore and renew and rebuild what the enemy seeks to destroy.  He is the One who sacrificed His own son in our place, so that we might find joy and hope and purpose.  Those can only be found in Him!  The abundance of my possessions and financial security can never give me joy, just as the desperation of your poverty can never steal your joy.  Our God is the author and source of our hope, and once we have found true hope in Him, nothing and no one and no circumstances can ever take that away.

We are brothers and sisters in Christ, you and I. When I see you standing in your little rural church, both arms raised in praise to God, my heart soars right alongside yours!  I may not understand your words, but God does! 

When you weep, my heart mourns with you.  When your child is starving or suffering from a preventable disease; when your family is broken and when babies are abandoned; when your dreams for the future are crushed under the weight of reality . . . I see your tears.  And more importantly, God sees your tears!  He counts them.  Not one of them is wasted.

Absolutely, I can say to you, with full confidence and assurance and conviction, Bondye renmen ou.  God loves you.  And you can remind me, when I am so prone to forget, that God loves me too.  Oh, how we need to encourage one another with frequent reminders of that beautiful truth.

Long after my visit to Haiti is over and I have returned to the familiar world I know, I can continue to pray for you.  I can pray that, even in your dire circumstances and sparse resources, your faith would be strengthened.  That He would dwell richly in your hearts, and that you would be able to comprehend the riches of His love for you. (4)  

And guess what?  That’s exactly the same prayer that I need from you!  That my faith would be strengthened!  Not complacent in my comfortable and convenient life, but fully dependent upon Him.  Trusting fully in His sufficiency.

Once we truly understand the joy and hope and freedom that can be found in Christ; once we experience abundant life that can only be found in Him – a life that has nothing to do with our physical circumstances; once our hearts are alive and fully surrendered to Him . . . we will never be the same.

When Christ opens our eyes, we will never see the same.  When He breathes life into our hearts, we will never feel the same.  His love and His truth and His promises – they change everything.  In Christ, our lives have new meaning and purpose.  True joy and hope and peace and freedom. 

Once we comprehend God’s incredible love for us and all that He has given us in Christ, never again will we be the same.  Never again will we have “another ordinary day.”



1.   The unemployment rate in Haiti is more than 70%.  The average annual income is a mere $400 per year (compared with $33,000 in the United States).  It is the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere.
2.   Over 50% of the population in Haiti is illiterate.
3.   Due to violence, AIDS, and maternal mortality rate, 15% of all children are orphaned or abandoned – the highest percentage of orphans in the Western Hemisphere.  Of the estimated 750,000 orphans in Haiti, less than 150 were adopted last year.

4.   For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God. – Ephesians 3:14 - 19

July 3, 2016

The Steps You Take

When I reach my hand into the mailbox and see the crisp white envelope with the county logo in the corner, my heart, as it invariably does, skips a beat.  Important news seems to always come with a phone call or in a crisp white envelope.  I half hold my breath while I rip open the seal.  As I read the document that had been carefully folded inside, it takes a moment for my mind to catch up with my eyes.  Although I can read the words quite clearly, I can not fully comprehend the enormity of their meaning.  I cannot reconcile the harshness of the words with you, my sweet little one, who are perched securely on my hip.  

Mother’s whereabouts unknown.

At first I am outraged.  How could your mother, the one who was supposed to love you forever, so carelessly abandon her responsibilities?  How could she bear to disappear into a world that doesn’t include you in it?  How could she walk away from such an amazing child?  Such a precious gift?

But I am also saddened.  I grieve for this young woman who gave birth to you.  I cannot imagine the choices and circumstances and steps that led her to this point.  My heart breaks when I think that she could feel so wrecked, so trapped in her brokenness that she could see no other option except to leave.   

I am so sorry for everything she is missing in her absence:  your beautiful smile and your funny baby words and your wild hair that will not be contained and your tight squeezes around my neck.  I am sad that she is not here to witness your first tentative steps. 

Most of all, it grieves me to think that because of her choices, because of her destructive relationships and deadly habits, it means that you, my sweet one, do not have the permanence and stability and security that every child deserve.

May 19, 2015

No Longer an Orphan

“I waited patiently for the Lord;
He turned to me and heard 
my cry.” 
– Psalm 40:1

We see their sweet faces when we open our e-mail, or when we visit the website of waiting children, or when someone posts their pictures on social media.  They are the children who, after spending much of their childhood in the unpredictable, unstable foster care system, are looking for permanency, a family of their own.1  They are the children in orphanages on the other side of the world who have never known what it means to have parents, who pray every night for a family who will love them.2  Or perhaps most tragic of all, they are the children who were adopted, who thought that they were going to live happily ever after, but who are now in need of a new adoptive home.3

We see their pictures, their eyes filled, understandably, with deep sadness, or, inexplicably, with steadfast hope.  Those eyes fill our tender hearts with deep compassion, and we can’t help but respond. . .

“Aww!  She is so cute!”
“Look at those beautiful curls!”
“I just love that face!”
“I would bring them all home if I could.”

We cry at the injustice of it all, the unfairness that some children want for nothing, while others have nothing they want.  It’s almost as if we can hear their cries, their pleas to be rescued from their plight – their lonely, precarious, frightening circumstances.

January 25, 2015

The Path Home


THE PATH OF DEATH

Never in her life had she been so terrified.  So paralyzed by fear that even the simple task of breathing in and out seemed suddenly so difficult that it required her undivided attention.  Her ears barely registered the bird singing in the branch overhead or the cars speeding by on the busy street nearby.  The weeds in the cracks of the sidewalk went unnoticed.   All she could see was the little white building with a faded pink sign that included the words “woman” and “choice.”  She asked herself, How on earth did a good girl like me end up at a place like this?

The story wasn’t supposed to happen this way.  She had thought for sure that it was a romantic love story that would end in happily ever after.  Her beloved had given her true love’s kiss, and had assured her of his commitment.  He was going to carry her off into the sunset.  Into a future bright and full of promise.

But the promises had been shattered, right along with her heart.  Her true love was gone, leaving her with a houseful of small children to raise alone.  Adding another one to the mess simply was not an option. 

So here she was, walking towards the little white building with the faded pink sign, scarcely able to believe that it was really happening.  That her story was going to end in death – not only the death of the heartbeat growing inside her, but also the death of her innocence and naiveté.  The death of a dream.

December 11, 2014

Good News!

To the 150 million orphaned children in the world who will face this holiday season without a family . . . this is for you.


Do not be afraid, the angel said.   If there is one thing that you need to hear first, it is this: Do not be afraid.  Although there are many circumstances in your life that are uncertain, and the unknown future is terrifying, you will not be able to understand the rest of the message until you let go of fear.  God knows that fear, that terrible enemy that sneaks in and tries to steal your soul, needs to be banished.  He knows that fear keeps your fists tightly clinched, unable to open your hands to receive His gift.  The most amazing gift that has ever been offered.

September 6, 2014

Invisible Orphans

Most likely it  is not any of the children at the birthday party.  She wasn’t invited.  How can a child learn how to make friends when she doesn’t stay in one place long enough?1

It’s probably not the kid on the soccer team.  How can a child learn how to play a sport when he doesn’t have a dad who will kick a ball with him?  A mom who will drive him to practice every week?

But maybe it’s the young girl who sits next to your daughter at school.  The girl with the slumped shoulders who never makes eye contact.  The one who shuffles her feet a little bit when she walks, a result of growing up with shoes that never fit quite right.  Or the one who, when the teacher asks her to read out loud and she stumbles over the words, gets teased and laughed at by the other students.2

Perhaps it’s the little boy you see when you go to the store.  The boy who keeps touching everything within his reach, and who has a tantrum when he hears the word “no.”  Or the one who bats his eyelashes at everyone he meets, knowing that they will inevitably say, “Ah, he is so cute!”

It could be the kid on the swings at the park.  Or the one in the Sunday School class that you teach every week.  Or the one who visited Vacation Bible School last summer.   

They are all around you, and yet they remain invisible.  They are foster children in our own community – in our schools and neighborhoods and playgrounds - who are waiting to be adopted.  They are our country’s invisible orphans.